EVERYTHING KOREAN. (Warning: It's gna be long)

A big YAY to a happy post today. Why a happy post? Cause I couldn't care less about all these negative feelings I'm going through. To hell with these feelings HAHAHA I'm feeling happier nowadays, alhamdulillah. I feel more thankful for everything in my life and I thank Allah swt for everything. 

So anywayyyyy back to topic. That picture up there? Yes, drew it myself. Not proud of it though since it's the most simplest drawing I've ever drawn and... yep. So what's up with the SKorea flag and Singapore flag? Well, first of all, obviously I'm Singaporean. Secondly, most of you guys know I'm crazy over Korean Pop, Korean Variety Shows, Korean Drama, Korean Food and basically... you know... everything Korean. My friends and family say I have an obsession with everything Korean. Well, that's partially true... But it's not THAT true. There's a difference between the word "obsession" and "interest". It's like a 50-50 kind of thing. Or maybe 45-55. You guess which is which. I retweet tweets in Korean/Hangul and some may think "She retweets these kind of tweets in another language. Does she even understand a single thing?" Well sorry to burst your bubbles, but I do, okay? Not fully but I do get a brief idea of what these people are tweeting.

So how did this Korean "obsession/interest" thing started? Well, it started in 2012. It all started with Running Man. Never have I laughed so hard at a variety show before in my entire life. I may laugh at the local variety shows but it's just... "meh" kind of feeling. But for running man, I can re-watch it dozens of times of the same episode and still laugh as hard as I did before. And 2012 was the year I was taking my 'N' level. Buuuuut, I was not THAT obsessed over RM yet so yes, I did pretty well for Ns... despite of the endless "night-walks" and "running man catching game" during night study in school till late night. Shush. 

And then comes 2013. I remembered myself saying "Omg eww, why do you like KPOP? The guys look like girls" etc etc. You know, those typical haters. Never have I ever imagined myself being in the KPOP world when I actually said those sentences just 4 years back (lower secondary moments). I need a smack in my head cause I have not regretted entering the KPOP world. Say whatever you want but if KPOP keeps me happy, so be it. Accept it. So who was the first KPOP boy band that I love? 

JJANG! It's these guys. The first ever KPOP group I laid my eyes on. BIG BANG. 빅뱅. And I was not even disappointed once. These boys. The talents. The humour. The songs. Everything. How did it all started? Well, it started with a dream... 

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

but seriously though. I swear it started with a dream. Dreamt that these boys came to my school (YT) and they sang specially for me etc. Laughing out loud, I didn't even knew who they were when I had that dream. I didn't even know WHO Big Bang was when I had that dream. Well, I only knew Taeyang (YoungBae ssi) since I danced to his song "wedding dress" during NDP 2010. SOOOOOOOOO yeah. That's how it all started. I searched for them on Google and Youtube. Their first music video which caught my eyes (and ears) was "하루 하루" (Day by Day). It was such a touching and sad music video and the meaning of the song. (First time crying at a music video though). And then variety shows of them in it. (Favourite is "Night after Night".) And also videos of them performing, doing stupid things and etc. Even had endless amounts of dreams about them. 

I thought to myself "Damn, why must I go crazy over them now???" This was during my O levels period, mind you. I was panicking myself, afraid that I will be too busy going crazy over these boys that I won't focus on my studies. I watched their videos almost every night (literally). I tried so hard to reduce my thinking of them but it gets harder and harder everyday. But someway, somehow, I managed to focus on my studies. Well, their music/songs helped me since it was on replay while I was doing my revision and thankfully, I did pretty well for 'Os'. So yay :D

So slowly combining both RM and BB, my interest in Korea started rising. And during my holidays after Os, I spent most of my time watching KDramas starting from 2013-2014. "I Hear Your Voice", "The Heirs", "Emergency Couple", "My Love from Another Star", "Doctor Stranger" and now currently episode 10 of "School 2013" starring LeeJongSuk and KimWooBin. *heart-shaped eyes emoji* 

So as I enter 2014, I already had a list full of Korean words used in everyday conversations. Yes, I'm that obsessed with the Hangul/Korean language. As I entered polytechnic, the first thing I searched for was Korean/(KPOP)Korean-loving friends. And thank God, I did. When I first entered this course (Digital Animation), I thought it was gna be filled with "anime" people. And I don't really fancy anime in a slightest bit. Sorry-not-sorry to say that tho ha ha ha. Soooo, I found friends who liked KPOP and korean stuffs and yep, couldn't stop talking about them up until now. But, I still have yet to find a korean friend tho. I'm still upset about that because how can I learn about Korean Culture and language when I don't even have a Korean friend to begin with. And yet people say Singapore Poly has a lot of Koreans... Guess all of them are under different schools than me, yes? Either that or they're staying away from me. Possible. 

LOOK AT THESE BOYS. LOOK AT EACH OF THEM. SUPER ADORABLE. 

Sooooo as I entered poly, I remember telling my friends about "방탄소년단" (Bangtan Boys) (Bulletproof Scouts). I told her "Where the hell did these boys come from?" "Suddenly popping out from nowhere and being all popular." "WHAT COMPANY ARE THEY EVEN FROM???" Well, I didn't like them at first because most of the VIP friends I know were going to their fandom and leaving Big Bang. But then my cousin introduced me to these boys. It started with "하루만" and "Boy in Luv". Well, they introduced me to "Beautiful" but these 2 songs were the ones which caught my attention. The part which caught my attention the most was "Boy In Luv", during the bridge part when Jungkook pulls out a rose and serenades and then Jin and then Jimin. Jimin caught my attention the most. DID YOU SEE THE WAY HE LOOKED AT THE GIRL?! During the "널 밀어내진 못하겠어" part. I dieded. (inside joke). Could never stop replaying that part. And 하루만 during the second chorus and V was singing. How can someone have such a sweet voice in one moment and drastically changed it to a deep (Similar to RapMonster's) voice in another part of the song? Yep, only V. And similar to BB, I couldn't stop watching their music videos and BANGTANTV. It has no end. Their humour is something that I understand but my friends could never understand. What more with their new latest album being released this year? It just got better. Loving all 7 of them and what's even better is that Jimin and V are 95-liners. But they're actually just a few months older than me despite of me being a 96. 

I still am a VIP. But at the same time, I'm also an ARMY. Heading for the YGFAMILY POWER TOUR this weekend with my teacher. YES. MY. TEACHER. She's a VIP and an ARMY too so a big YAY to that. Still am waiting for BIGBANG to release their album tho. Annnnnd Seungri ssi is not coming along for the concert since he got into a major car accident. :( Wishing for him to have a speedy recovery. The sight of the accident looks... very... major. :( (his car literally flipped). 

But one hard thing about you being the only one amongst your group of friends who love everything Korean is that... they won't entertain you. At all. Even when you said a single word in Korean, they'll roll their eyes at you. In Singapore, they have a term called "STEP" which means that you're trying to be someone you're not. Well, it's not "STEP" when you're learning something new and trying hard to improve. And when they ask you where you want to eat and you say "How about Seoul Garden Hotpot?" (cause I've been dying to try the food there) their reply will always be a big fat NO. When you even try to practice the Korean Language with them, they won't even entertain you. Same goes for my family. Their reply would always be "K." LIKE THE BIG FAT GIANT "K" SHOVED INTO YOUR FACE. These is why I want to find Korean friends or someone who is interested in the Korean Culture or language or anything related to Korea. I even tried cooking some Korean food for the family like 떡볶이 and 김밥 but they don't even eat it. Okay, maybe a few bites but then I had to finish the rest of it because they didn't like it. *disappointed emoji*

AND NO, IF I HAVE KOREAN FRIENDS, I DO NOT EXPECT THEM TO LOOK LIKE SOME KPOP STAR OR ACTOR. I AM NOT THAT KIND OF PERSON. In fact I don't even care how they look like. Everyone's beautiful in my eyes. But I just want someone to teach me about their culture and language, that's all. 

I admit that KPOP, KDramas and KVariety were the ones which got me into Korean things but now I'm very serious about learning their culture and language. I'm learning the Korean language through a friend (who has a lot of Korean friends), internet (Talktomeinkorean is the best website ever), dramas, variety shows and songs. I took the time and effort to listen to what they say and tried to even write it in hangul myself and translate it later on. I can read hangul but I can't speak it fluently yet. I searched for classes available in Singapore and the prices are... wow. Well it's not THAT expensive but cmon, I'm a jobless 18 y-old kid who is currently schooling in Singapore Polytechnic and is saving money for a car license (Damn why are things in Singapore so expensive). So priority to car license first then maybe Korean Language classes. I learnt how to say some basic intro such as "안녕하세요. 저는 ______ 입니다. 정말 반가워요. *bows and shake hands*" Of course if they were to ask where I was from or what's my age, I know how to answer them too. I just love the way people speak Hangul. Like the rhythm and tone and speed. I don't know, it's just nice to hear people speak in Hangul when I happen to bump into Koreans here in Singapore. It's like, if I can speak Hangul fluently, trust me, I won't shut up. It's similar to how some girls here in Singapore love it when British people talk. They have that certain accent and it's like music to their ears. That's how it feels for me when I hear the Korean Language. I tried listening to KBS news on tv and I could understand a little here and there but not fully. 

Sometimes I joked with my friends asking "뭐 먹고 싶어요?" and apparently they understand so yaaaaaay.

I even have a dream of entering KARTS (Korea Art University) after getting my diploma buuuuuut parents won't allow it saying that they prefer to see me growing up in front of their very own eyes and that Singapore universities and degrees are better known in the world. I told them to move to SKorea with me but they said they wanted to stay in Singapore. So yep, there goes my dream flying off into thin air. *waves goodbye to dream* If I can't live in SKorea, at least let me go there for my holidays or school trips or internship. Animation is also quite known in Korea just so you know. Like this is made by MESAI (http://mesai.co.kr/), an independent Korean Animation Team(not a company). 

http://youtu.be/vN83DfmH9Tw

Look at that animation! SO SMOOTH. THEY EVEN SHOWED HOW THEY MADE THE ANIMATION AND STORYBOARD AND TEST RENDER. IF THAT'S NOT COOL, I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT IS. AND IT'S ALL DONE IN MAYA(animation software). ONE OF MY INSPIRATION IN ANIMATION, I SWEAR. I even showed this to my animation lecturer, begging him to make a trip to Korea and visit some animation studios or even these guys and told him that animation is known in Korea too and not only Japan (since he kept telling the class about going to Japan for some game show...).

But to sum it all up, I just want to know more about Korea, the culture, the language, the people... everything. Super inspired by "EatYourKimchi" and the tips they give about living in Korea as foreigners are useful as hell. Sorry for the lengthy post but I had to explain this cause people are getting the wrong idea whenever I talk about Korea. So the effort and time I put in for this lengthy post was worth it. It's currently 6am in the morning here and I'm not asleep yet cause I was planning what to write for this post. And it's the holidays here so why not, right? Should head to bed now. 

잘자요,얘들아. :)

What am I to you?

So, it's official. I think I'm gna make this blog a ranting blog for myself. Since I can't really rant to anyone fully. I'm so tired. Going back home at 10pm for almost everyday is no joke. Polytechnic is stressful. Assignments after assignments and no breaks. Work hard now, enjoy later, huh? I'm on the verge of breaking down, I swear. But friends in poly has made it manageable, alhamdulillah.

Nowadays, I always feel so alone. I may be in a room full of people but then, you know. lol I don't even know how to explain how I'm feeling. It's like. I need someone to talk to me. Tell them about how my day went. About what happened. And they'll be fully interested in what I say. Laughing out loud, even my family don't do that. They don't really pay attention to what I say. Everytime I try to talk, it's either they cut me off or they give short simple replies or it turns into a life lesson lecture or even worst, they don't even pay attention. That hurts the most. It's sometimes the same for some of my friends. And they wonder why I'm quiet at times. But when I finally talk, some seldom listen. I'm really tired. Of repeating. Of trying. I'll always end up rejected. My life has never changed. It's still the boring life that I started with since young. I've never went fully crazy with someone. Well, I did once. And I was told to shut up. Ouch. My excitement is someone's annoyance. I seldom laugh fully and sincerely.

It's funny how sometimes, I rant and then people will be coming and saying "lol I'm still here for you." The problem is, I don't want to be a burden. You have your own bestfriend or someone special that you prioritse first. Take care of their feelings first.  I'm a nobody. I don't even know how to explain the scenario myself. I rant to people and they don't even seem to bother. They reply in an annoyed manner. Like those "urgh, just shut up and stop ranting. Be thankful for what you have." Yep, it's ok for others to rant but it's not ok for me to rant.

I've never been anyone's first priority. Not even in my family. lol. Even my sis prioritise my cousins more than me. I can say that I HAVE NEVER BEEN ANYONE'S FIRST PRIORITY IN MY ENTIRE LIFE. Never in any way. Why am I treated so differently. Why can't I ever be treated nicely and fairly. Why do the people I love, care about the feelings of others more than mine? Is it because I'm annoying? Easy to be stepped on? Easy to be left alone? Less important? Less fun?

I remember how during secondary school days, I always cry about things like this. Every night, without fail. Never have I felt so useless(still do tho). But now that I've grown up, I couldn't care less. I feel empty but what can I do about it? If I try to voice out, surely there'll be someone who's unhappy with me. My life has never changed. I really want someone to sincerely care. A hug. A word of real sincere advice or motivation. Something to keep my life going. I always feel like I'm the least important. Not even sure if I'm even important. Please, stop treating me this way.

Angel.

(credits for GIF: http://bomtoki.tumblr.com/post/87697216646)

So I watched Roommate episode 5 and came upon this. I knew about Parkbom crying from Soompi and AllKpop but didn't knew what the real reason was until I came upon this GIF and roommate episode 5. Watched the episode and I saw how she said that she's never been told, "You feel like a gift heaven sent to me." And at that moment, I knew how she felt. I think I do. Something similar to that.

You have friends be it bad or good. You can have hundreds. You can have thousands. But it only takes a few to make you feel like you're worthy enough to be in their lives. You advice your friends. You give them motivations. You become their listening ears. But in the end, all you get is a simple "thank you". I'm not saying I'm not grateful. I am. But once they said "thank you", they'll disappear. They'll return to their own friends. Those who are the number 1s in their lives. Those who makes them happy. And all your advices are thrown away one side like a piece of garbage. You feel like you were used. Your sincere advices and compliments were just meaningless words to them and were used to just make them feel better about themselves. You get sick of giving. But you can't bear being ignorant to them because they mean so much to you in your life. All I need is someone sincere, who once, after I give them advices or motivation or even after a simple talk, will tell me "You know what? I'm so thankful and happy you're in my life."

Worries worries worries.

School's starting next Monday and I swear my body clock is screwed. I'm sleeping at 6am almost everyday and I'm only left with 6 more... Make that 5 more days to screw it back to normal. I. Am. Doomed. Doom dada di di da. HEEEEE :B

You know what? I had this thought lately. And it's kind of bothering me a little. And it's just scary to think about it. Okay, here it goes. You meet someone. Someone who you can click to right away (a person of opposite gender of course). And then, you two got close. Same old, same old. Friends to close friends to best friends. You tell him everything. From how your day went, your feelings, jokes. Literally just anything and everything. And then this feeling started. You started to fall for him. But you didn't dare to tell. Cause why? He talks to you about other girls. He'll be like "There's this girl from... And she's... I would love to get to know her..." The way he describes her with every single detail. And you know it's not you. (Like duh cause he told you the course that girl is in is different from yours). Back to topic, you just had so smile and entertain him going crazy over that girl. But the truth is, you're hurting inside and all you can do is smile and nod, smile and nod. And eventually, he got close to that girl. He made the first move and apparently, that girl accepted his "first move". He storytells to you about what happened. What he said and what she replied. The things that you thought he was going to say to you but didn't. Cause you're not that girl. You see how they act around each other. Teasing and being all lovey dovey in front of you. And time past. The both of them were still together till you were in your adulthood. As time past, you watched your best friend fall in love with someone else. You stood in the corner, wondering what you're lacking of. And then one day, your best friend told you that he was getting engaged to that girl. You were shocked and your world suddenly came caving in. All you could say was "Congratulations. I'm so happy for you." And I don't know maybe give him a fistbump or whatever. Months passed and he got married to the love of his life. But you still have yet to get over him. You know how hard it is to move on right? Yeah, you feel that kind of feeling every single day and it's killing you inside. The guy you loved now belongs to someone else. No more jokes. No more contact. No more telling him everything. He has his own wife and maybe even kids.

Now, the reason why I'm saying this is because... What if this actually happens to me in the future?
What if I'm not good enough to get someone's attention?

SCHOOL.

Yes, the title says it. Countdown, 20 days till poly starts and I'm having mix feelings about it. Well, I'm definitely looking forward to meeting new people and making friends but on the other hand, what if they don't like me? Will they accept me for who I am? What if they don't like the way I dress or talk or walk or whatever? Really praying hard that I won't face much problems when I'm in poly.

Shopped for what's necessary such as clothes... Speaking of clothes, my fashion sense is a bit...*thumbs down* I can't dress well and I'll forever be wearing pullovers with jeans. Meh. Tried so hard to dress like those tumblr hijab girls buuuuuut meh. I failed. Hah.

There'll be some orientation camps planned for the Year 1s but I doubt that I'll go for it. Not that I'm being anti-social or what but I'm just THAT scared. Scared of what? Only Allah swt knows.

MOVING ON.

Just finished watching Return of Superman. The episode where there was Big Bang. Sigh, Haru's sucha lucky girl ain't she? I'll just be happy enough to see Big Bang perform live in front of me. But oh wells, fat chance, fat chance. The probability of me meeting them is like infinity. *shrugs* Can I say that Big Bang was also one of the reasons I did well for Os? Well, they did help me when it comes to music. Everyday, when I study, their songs will forever be on replay. A bit of motivation from them. :-) 고마워요, 빅뱅이!

Ending the post here and off to skip ropes for half an hour. Needa lose some weights, yeah?

잘가!



*inserts wide smile emoji*

I've found one of my happiness.

Wow oh wow. Once again, it's been a month since I last updated. Nothing much happened really. Got accepted into Digital Animation in SP. Few weeks later, I got accepted into NAFA; Diploma in Fine Arts. But, I decided to reject it since it was not the course that I wanted. So yeah, looks like I'm heading to SP.

Kept myself occupied by painting on walls for a Harry Potter exhibition. But everything's over now, alhamdulillah. It was so tiring, really. Had a hard time keeping myself awake and when I was asleep, I had a hard time waking up. My mind was blank, I swear. Oh well, what's past is in the past.

Aaaaaand kept myself occupied with Kdrama(s). Emergency couple and Running Man. Watched "You who came from the Stars" but stopped half way cause it has something to do with aliens and things. I don't know. Not my kind of drama when it comes to fictional or too-much-visual-effects kind of dramas. Emergency Couple is really daebak. Speaking of Kdramas, I should really cut down on watching them. Why? Cause I'm only given false hopes about what love looks and feels like. Kdramas is like a modern fairytale, you know? Where the characters likes someone and poof, they end up being together in the end without much problems. Sure, there'll be ups and downs but the way the guy treats the girl, like whoa, it's so different from real life.

Try finding a guy who would go miles for you. To make sure you're okay. Despite of having fights, he would still care for you. Try to find a guy who looks at the girl he likes/loves like this when he's talking to her or vice versa:

(Million of apologies cause I love "The Heirs" too much.)

It would be a miracle, I tell you. To have someone do the littlest yet sweetest things for you. Now, that's why I said that KDramas are modern fairy tales. That's why I dare to say that these things don't exist in real life (well, to me, of course).

Oh wells, but whatever it is, I'll still keep on dreaming. KDrama is like my little fantasy world where I'm able to imagine that I'm in that situation... but end up getting depressed cause I know it'll never happen. Oh wells. Loving my fantasy world and it will never change. At least this is one of the things that makes me happy. :)

It's almost 3am now. A wee bit of Running Man and then I'll sleep.

안녕. 잘자요.

Frozen.

Finally, I've watched the movie 'Frozen' till 2am in the morning. And I have to say, it's a very beautiful story and I cried. No doubt. Anna is super lucky to have someone to go the extra mile for her to save her. That's very sweet. And don't get me started on the relationship between Elsa and Anna. Every single siblings would be dying for that.

Now, moving on. After watching the movie, I feel that it's been long since I was last cared by someone. Like someone who would make you happy and be there for you when you're feeling down. I sometimes visit the Ask.fm website. And most of the answers there, well, I can't answer it. I don't know why. I feel like my answer would be "attention-seeking" or "pathetic" in any ways. Those questions like "What do you want in life?" I mean like, all I want is happiness. But that's never going to happen. And I can't even describe my feelings right now. I'm not even sure of how I'm feeling right now. I can't differentiate between happiness and sadness. Love and hatred. I feel so numb to feelings right now. I don't even talk to anyone anymore. My phone could be buried 1000 ft. below the ground and when I dig it back up, no new messages or whatsapp will appear. I'm just kinda lonely, you know?  Whenever I'm mad. I have no where to vent. Most to most, I'll vent my feelings into the 'notes' on my phone and delete it hours later when I felt better.  Same goes when I'm feeling sad or happy. My phone's filled with my "mini diary entries" which some will be deleted hours later. No wonder my phone's memory usage is slowly being used up. I can't even rant on this blog fully. I have to watch what I say. But what I'm trying to say is - My heart is long frozen. That's why I can't feel anything.

I can't even describe my feelings anymore.