Little did they know.

People have always known me for someone who's positive. Who smiles even when she faces a problem. Who is the happy-go-lucky type. Someone with a lot of friends. Someone who has a lot of listening ears. 

But little did they know:-

That I sleep a lot not because I'm tired but I find that being in my dreams is better than reality. 

That the person I am outside is not the same as the person who sits alone in the bedroom at 3am in the morning. 

That I blame myself for everything. 

That I feel like my existance is unimportant. 

That I smile when I'm upset because I don't like to show people the weak side of me even though I'm crumbling down inside. 

That I cry alone when I'm disappointed with myself. 

That I've been dying to tell someone my problems but didn't because it's not important. 

That I've always wanted those little surprises but didn't get it because I'm of no importance. 

That I get jealous of how good other people are treated by their friends. 

That I actually die a little inside when I tell people my problems but they're half-heartedly listening.

That the people who told me "I'll be there for you" weren't really there because they had more better and important things to attend to.

That I once had suicidal thoughts. 

That I once thought of hurting myself. 

That I secretly once wished that my friends would surprise me on my birthday but didn't. 

That I secretly wished they dedicated a post on instagram to me on my birthday but didn't. 

That I've been taken advantage of many times. 

That I gave my all to people but to only receive parts of it back. 

That I once had a night so bad that I thought of hurting myself then and then. 

That I wished I had friends who go through my tough times with me and not just the happy times. 

That I'm very weak and may break down at any point of time.

That I try my best to show my positive side to people but break down once I'm alone. 

That I stare into blank space and imagine how life would be better if I weren't here. 

I have more to write and these are just parts of it. 

At the end of the day, the One who saves me from these things is Allah swt, myself and the thought of my family. 

I still wonder how I managed to pull through those suicidal and hurting thoughts alone. 

It's very tiring. 

A message to you people reading this. 

Just because someone is happy. Smiling. Laughing. Positive. Doesn't mean that they're fully problem-free. 

They just choose to look on the brighter side of everything.

But just know that everyone has a breaking point.

Hear them out once in a while. Be there for them. 

It would mean the world to them. 

WHY IS IT ME?

It's funny how in one day I could update a happy post and a sad post. Well, I actually thought of just updating this instead earlier on but I told myself I was too negative to think in such manner. So, I decided to write about my skincare routine to keep my mind occupied and distract myself. Time now is 3.45am (SGT) and I'm still upset. The distraction didn't work. So here goes my rant. 

Have you ever wanted to cry for no reason? Well, you have a reason but you think it's too pathetic for it to be a reason to shed tears. I feel like that every time and it's making me weak as days past. I can''t find the strong girl whom I used to be. Where did she go? 

I've always wanted someone to hear me out. OKAY, NOW THIS IS IT. THE THING I'VE BEEN KEEPING IN ALL THESE WHILE. WHO CARES WHAT ANYONE SAYS. I'M JUST GNA SAY IT.

WHY IS IT THAT MY FRIENDS CAN BE THERE FOR SOMEONE BUT NOT ME. 

WHY IS IT WHEN I'M UPSET, NO ONE BOTHERS TO COMFORT ME.

 WHY IS IT THAT EVERY TIME I ASK SOMEONE IF THEY CAN SPARE PART OF THEIR TIME FOR ME, THEY CAN'T BUT WHEN IT COMES TO THEIR OTHER FRIENDS, THEY HAVE ALL THE TIME IN THE WORLD. 

WHY IS IT THAT I'M ALWAYS IGNORED LIKE THIS SINCE YOUNG. 

WHY IS IT WHEN IT COMES TO THEM, I'M WILLING TO SACRIFICE MY TIME. 

WHY IS IT THAT WHEN THE TIME I'M UPSET, ALL MY FRIENDS ARE BUSY. 

WHY IS IT ME WHO'S ALWAYS THE ONE IN THE BACK. 

WHY IS IT ALWAYS ME WHO'S ALWAYS THE LEAST IMPORTANT. 

WHY IS IT ME WHO NO ONE CARES WHEN I'M LEFT BEHIND.

WHY AM I SO NICE TO PEOPLE.

WHY AM I SO WEAK.
WHY DO I LET PEOPLE STEP ON ME.

AM I EVEN NEEDED? TELL ME IF I'M NOT.

GOD KNOWS HOW MUCH I'VE KEPT THIS BOTTLED UP INSIDE ME. 

IF THE SHOE FITS, FEEL FREE TO WEAR IT. I'M TOO UPSET TO EVEN CARE.

...I'm worthless.

UPDATED SKINCARE ROUTINE. (스킨케어 루틴)

Salutations to all!

The last time I've updated this blog was in January. Soooo irresponsible, no? Well, anyways, have always thought about writing a post about my skincare routine since Dec last year but I thought no one would read it. But meh, why not right? So, let's get started!

Now, if you've read my previous skincare routine post, I've stated about what kind of skin I have. I have a super super major oily skin. Trust me when I say SUPER MAJOR OILY SKIN. How oily can it get? Let's see.

I wake up in the morning (feeling like P Diddy,)..................... Ok, no. I woke up and I can feel my skin feeling super sticky and oily and just... meh. It's really uncomfortable. Despite of me washing my face really well right before I sleep and drinking loads of water, my face will still be oily in the morning.

So, I proceeded to shower and wash my face well with my cleansing products. Step out of the shower and apply my skincare products. Then I had to eat right? So while preparing my meal, I'll have to walk past my super huge mirror in my living room to put down my food and then head back to the kitchen to take my drink etc. AND YOU KNOW WHAT. BOOM. My face gets oily while preparing my meal. And I've been out from the shower for only 30 minutes. Y U DO DIS, SKIN. Sigh.

It's worst when I'm outside tho. I'll constantly blot my face with a tissue paper if I have a chance. (nope, not a blotting sheet. Tissue paper. Singapore's too expensive. What do you expect?) Before I eat. Blot. After I ate. Blot. Walking around. Blot. Toilet. Blot. MRT? BLOT LAH. Sad huh?

Okay, I'll have to live with it, no? It's okay. It's only temporary... I hope.

OKAY MOVING ON TO SKINCARE ROUTINE (스킨케어 루틴).
(I'm following the Korean Skincare routine, fyi)
(Aaand the reviews for the products I've used are based on my personal opinions & experience)

MORNING (아침):

I'll wash my face with The Face Shop's Rice Water Bright Cleansing Foam with my Etude House's Wonder Pore Brush.
 
Image Source: http://www.koreabb.com.sg/product_info.php?products_id=272 
http://cosmetic-love.com/etude-house-etudehouse-wonder-pore-brush-1ea-cleansing-brush.html

I like how the facial cleanser cleans my face of all the oil and dirt I've collected on my face while sleeping. With the brush, it cleanses more deeply and thoroughly.

Now for the cleanser, it works well for me because I went to the beach with my family and didn't use any sunscreen so yes, I got darker a little. So I quickly had to use this and within a week, I was back to my brighter looking skin so yes, thumbs up for this product.

Moving on to skincare ~

Now, in the morning, I don't use a lot of products if I'm going out. I'll mostly use only my toner and moisturizer.

For toner, I previously used the Etude House's White Moistfull Toner but every good thing comes to an end, right? (It was good too. Evens out my skin tone and I use it as a softener too. Leaves my skin feeling soft :D ). So I bought a new toner and it's the Etude House AC Clinic Toner. 



Image Source: http://yaleermah.weebly.com/review/etude-house-ac-clinic-toner

And wow, this toner is good. It gives me a refreshed feeling after using it and it absorbs well too. No, I do not apply it using a cotton pad. Instead, I pour a dime sized amount onto my palm, spread it lightly in my palms and then smack em' on my face... lightly. Gentle pats starting from cheeks to forehead to nose and then my chin. This products didn't break me out at all. Instead, it has helped me control the pimples I have on my cheeks and forehead.

After toner, I'll apply moisturizer and the one I'm currently using is Neutrogena's Oil-Free Moisturizer.



Image Source: http://www.westfield.com.au/products/my-chemist/neutrogena-moisturiser-combination-skin-oil-free-118ml/20150

Since I have an oily skin, I have to use an oil-free moisturizer right? This moisturizer is just average for me. It states that it's oil-free but it feels very heavy on my skin. I feel like this moisturizer suffocates my skin. I use a very small amount both in the morning and night. Like 1/3 of a pump? But I'm not sure whether it's the product or my skin that's causing the problem. But whenever I used a bit too much of this product, my skin won't accept/absorb it. How do I put this properly... I'll start sweating excessively when I put too much of this product. Nothing like this has ever happened before with the moisturizers I used before this. I searched online and some said that putting too much product will cause the excessive sweating. But even if I apply very little amount, I'll still sweat excessively.

In conclusion, I don't plan on buying this moisturizer again. Maybe I should find a gel-type moisturizer?

Whenever I go out, I can't forget to use sunscreen right?

I used a no-brand moisturizer made in Korea and it still works well for me. But recently, I received samples of Cetaphil Daylong Oil-Free Suncreen.



Image Source: http://ingridnieto.com/2014/10/10/daily-deep-complete-sun-protection-is-here-with-daylong-sunscreen/

I can say this product here is VERY suitable for oily skin. But the only down-side to this is that it absorbs so fast that I didn't have to time to spread it evenly on my entire face. Since it's a sample size, I try my best to use as little as I need because it's too good. Maybe when I get the real-sized product, I can happily splash my face with this.

MOVING ON ~

NIGHT (밤):

Whether I use makeup (concealer only) or not on that day, I'll always double cleanse. And it's still the same as my previous skincare routine post. Body Shop's Facial Brush and also The Face Shop's Green Tea Cleansing Foam. (GREEN TEA CLEANSER IS A MUST FOR ME) 

For skincare, I'll start with my previously mentioned toner above and then apply essence. To be more specific, Etude House's Aloe Moistfull Essence. 



Image Source: http://cosmetic-love.com/etude-house-etudehouse-aloe-moistfull-soothing-first-essence-100ml.html

Been using this since November and I'm not even half a bottle done. It's hydrates my skin and helps brighten my face. However, it feels a bit sticky and has a mucus consistency (I have nothing else to compare it to). And when I use this product, my face becomes a wee bit hot and red. But it goes away after a while. Overall, this product does a good job in hydrating, yeah? *thumbs up*

After essence, I'll either use masks or just proceed on to my moisturizer. For my facial mask, I use those sold in boxes of 10 from SASA. 2 boxes for S$11.90 or something. I'm not quite sure of the price. But it's alright, I guess? Still does the job well. Hee.

And if I have pimples, I still use the same pimple cream I mentioned in my previous skincare routine post. So, yeah. That concludes my updated skincare routine!

Some say people with oily skin shouldn't use too much products. That's why on some nights, I don't use my essence or masks or even my moisturizer. I just use my toner and just head to bed.

So, this is how my skin is now. 



(Excuse the red face. Was standing under the sun for too long)

Featuring my oily nose.

SOMEONE OR ANYONE WHO'S READING THIS. PLEASE COMMENT BELOW ON SUITABLE MOISTURIZERS FOR OILY SKIN PEOPLE LIKE ME. Something gel-based? THANK YOU. :D

그럼, 잘가요! (~^__^)~

Nobody will run a mile for me. I run a mile... Myself.

There's one thing that I hate about the holidays. I'll always sleep in late. And what does sleeping in late means? It means that thousands of late night thoughts will come rolling in. And then I'll feel upset, disappointed, angry and depressed (?) at/about myself.

Things didn't go well for me. I didn't have a good ending of 2014 nor did I have a good beginning to 2015 due to personal reasons. I cried myself badly to sleep 2 days ago. And it's been long since I cried that bad. Just here to say cherish everyone around you and please take good care of them well.

I realised as I grew older, I tend to breakdown/cry more easily. I'm not sure what or who to blame. It's either due to Kdramas or just me not being strong like how I was back then. I kept telling people to be strong when they're about to break down but I'm not doing the same thing for myself.  And I really hate it when I get jealous of couples around me. I'm really blaming Kdramas for this. After watching "피노키오", I'll always feel bad about myself. I'll always tell myself that I don't deserve happiness nor do I deserve love. No one would run a mile for me. Even if I don't watch Kdramas, I'll still tell myself that. It's hard when you're always treated differently from others. Haha. I want to express my feelings now. About how I feel. But I just can't find the right words to use and say. Why is this so hard. I just want to be alone. Somewhere far away. I've been typing and backspacing the things I want to say for the past 10 minutes. Why is this so hard?

But then, there's one thing that's keeping me happy every night. 방탄소년단! 정말 감사해요. 너 때문에 행복해요. :') their 방탄 bomb videos. Their songs. Just them themselves make me smile to myself every night. They may not know who I am or if I even exist and people may insult or critisize me for liking them, but I'm just thankful how they can make someone (whom they do not know) happy, smile and laugh just through their individual acts. And that's what I want. To make someone happy enough that I can make their day just through my simple acts. But I guess that will never happen. Cause I'm not worth it. 

3JAN2015. 5AM. 자피라 블로그 끝. 

잘자.

My skincare routine.

Alright guys, since it's the holidays and I have nothing else better to do (other than watching KDramas till 6 in the morning), why don't I talk about my skincare routine since some of my friends and relatives asked how I got my skin to be brighter, cleaner and clearer than it was during secondary school.

I have to say that my skin... did improve one way or another. I had a very... very tanned and dark skin in secondary school. Due to being "fearless" and being like "The sun is nothing to me." And the endless amount of participation in the school's National Day Parade and Speech Day and also endless games of "handball" in the scorching hot sun.

It was then, during the holidays after O levels, which I then started watching Korean dramas and Running Man and realised how the singers and actors/actresses had clear, glowing and baby-smooth skin. Hah. So it was them who influenced me to take proper care of my face. Well, it was good thing, I guess. If not, my face would be covered with dozens of pimples right now.

Soooo, a little info about my current skin. It's not perfect at all. It's not clear nor is it THAT smooth. It's very smooth at home since there's air con. When I'm outside, I'm constantly blotting my super major oily skin with blotting sheets/tissue papers every hour. Even my friends told me that the amount of oil on my face could fry an egg in the sun. My face is so oily that I had to blot my face with 2 blotting sheets each hour. My oily skin is genetics and it runs in the family so I can't really do much about it. (on the bright side, less wrinkles so yay.)

I seldom get pimples now except when it's the time of the month. (ok maybe 1 or 2 very very small ones in the middle of my brows). But I do have loads of pimple scars as I was impatient back then and my pimples were always dried pimples. So, I would pick at them whenever they appear. Regrets, regrets, regrets.

Okay, let's get to the skincare.

MORNING ROUTINE:

Before I shower, I'll do some morning workouts for at least 30 minutes and drink a cup of freshly brewed green tea to keep me hydrated after the workout. After I've sweated, I won't shower straight away since it'll cause some white patches to appear on your face and body. So, I'll cool myself down before heading to the shower.

I wash my face AFTER washing my body and hair since there's oil in my hair and I wouldn't want to dirty my face again with the oil from my hair.

So, before washing my face, I'll rinse my face with lukewarm water to open up my pores so the dirt would get out easier when I clean it. I use 2 things in my morning cleansing routine.


Etude House Wonder Pore Brush and also Face Shop's Green Tea Cleansing Foam.

I'll squeeze about a pea size on the brush. (Don't squeeze a lot as the brush does a good job by foaming up the cleanser and it's more than enough for the whole face).

I'll start scrubbing my face in mini circular outward motions:

Right cheek -> Chin&Area above mouth -> Left Cheek -> Forehead -> Area between brows -> Nose.

I take about 25-30 seconds for smaller areas. 35-40 seconds for larger areas.

After washing the brush, I'll wash my face with lukewarm water for at least 2-3 minutes to make sure I get all the dirt off my face. (Don't forget to wash your ears and neck too) I'll then splash cold water on my face for at least 10-12 times. ( I prefer even numbers, I don't know why.)

After splashing cold water on my face, I WON'T PAT MY FACE DRY WITH A TOWEL OR TISSUE OR WHATSOEVER. Instead, I'll gently pat my face with my fingers to allow the leftover water to be absorbed into the skin for extra moisture. Afterwards, I'll apply toner.


This one to be exact. My face would be very very very very very oily if I don't use this after washing my face. So, it does a pretty good job in controlling my super duper oily face throughout the day. But the main ingredient is alcohol. So, I'm finding another oil-control toner which gives the same effect but doesn't contain a lot or no alcohol.

And then, I'll moisturize. At first, I used the Himalaya Nourishing Cream which can be used both on body and face. Since it's multi-purpose and affordable, I decided to give it a try and since I finished my previous moisturizing cream anyway (Body Shop Seaweed Moisturizer. Money fly fly). But I ended up giving it to my mother and sister since it didn't work for me at all.

It's quite heavy to be used in the morning (since it's a cream) and it clogged my pores, causing my forehead to breakout like siao (crazy). So I had to change to a water-based moisturizer.


TAAAAADAAAA. (picture below)



(Bought it on the day I went for the YG Family concert in Singapore on Sept 14) *wide smile*

It was a little bit pricier than the Himalaya's but I think it was worth it. I used it for 2 days straight after purchasing it and the pimples on my forehead reduced a lot. And also, a single pump is more than enough for the entire face. (1 pump was enough for both face and neck) So, thumbs up for this moisturizer.

When I'm on my period, I would apply pimple/acne gel (Mentholatum Acne Sealing Gel) both in the morning AND at night. The pimple would be reduced or be gone within 3-4 days so yay *clap clap clap*.



MAKE-UP ROUTINE: 

On different days, I would wear little or no makeup at all, depending on my mood a.k.a laziness.

I wouldn't apply pimple cream before going out as it has a sticky and shiny feeling to it. So, skip that. I would prime my face with the Body Shop Tea Tree Pore Minimiser Primer.


(I didn't know that it was actually a face primer. I thought that it was just a regular gel to control oil on my face.) (dumb younger me). And then, concealer.



Face Shop Oil Cut Concealer.

It's a dual concealer with a stick on one end and liquid on the other. I've yet to use the liquid (I have no idea on how to use it) so I only used the stick part for my dark undereye... and also attempted to conceal my eyebags (but failed miserably). I'll look tired or on-the-verge-of-dying on the days I don't wear my concealer out.

After that, I'll apply powder on my face to control the oil throughout the day with:


Face Shop Face it Oil Cut Compact Powder.

To be honest, I'm more concern about covering up my oiliness rather than my blemishes.

And then for lips, Maybelline Babylips Lip Balm.

And out I go.

NIGHT-TIME SKINCARE ROUTINE:

Firstly, I have a very oily face so my make-up would have probably "slide-off" my face halfway-throughout the day.

For night-time skincare, I'll always double cleanse. I'll start with a gentle cleanser and then with a mild foam cleanser.

For the gentle cleanser, I'll (secretly) use my sister's Cetaphil Gentle Skin Cleanser. (wet face first)



I won't apply much pressure and wash in circular outward motions using my CLEAN (washed with Dettol for extra safety) fingers. Since I don't use eye make-up, I'll just focus more on wide areas and also my under eye area. Then, I'll wash everything off with lukewarm water.

Second cleansing, I'll use the same Face Shop facial cleansing foam BUT I'll use a different brush.


Bought this for S$5 I think. Body Shop Facial Brush. Definitely worth it. It'll really cleanse your face entirely of your day's make-up or dirt or whatsoever. Your face will feel really clean afterwards. I also use the same method as I did for my morning routine wash.

Same goes for toner. But before applying moisturizer, I'll use a face mask (3-4 times per week).

I'll use these 2 alternatively. After that, I'll apply moisturizer. Then, I'll head to bed. NOT. I'll probably watch some KDramas or something. HA HA HA HA. 

So this is the difference in my skin tone.

BEFORE:

AFTER:

luv dat face tho. (pure naked face ^ )

Soooo, that's about it. I'm still tryna find an affordable eye gel tho. But minimum prices are always S$30++. Sigh.

HAHAHAHA it was fun doing this. Till then, 안녕히 가세요. ^^

EVERYTHING KOREAN. (Warning: It's gna be long)

A big YAY to a happy post today. Why a happy post? Cause I couldn't care less about all these negative feelings I'm going through. To hell with these feelings HAHAHA I'm feeling happier nowadays, alhamdulillah. I feel more thankful for everything in my life and I thank Allah swt for everything. 

So anywayyyyy back to topic. That picture up there? Yes, drew it myself. Not proud of it though since it's the most simplest drawing I've ever drawn and... yep. So what's up with the SKorea flag and Singapore flag? Well, first of all, obviously I'm Singaporean. Secondly, most of you guys know I'm crazy over Korean Pop, Korean Variety Shows, Korean Drama, Korean Food and basically... you know... everything Korean. My friends and family say I have an obsession with everything Korean. Well, that's partially true... But it's not THAT true. There's a difference between the word "obsession" and "interest". It's like a 50-50 kind of thing. Or maybe 45-55. You guess which is which. I retweet tweets in Korean/Hangul and some may think "She retweets these kind of tweets in another language. Does she even understand a single thing?" Well sorry to burst your bubbles, but I do, okay? Not fully but I do get a brief idea of what these people are tweeting.

So how did this Korean "obsession/interest" thing started? Well, it started in 2012. It all started with Running Man. Never have I laughed so hard at a variety show before in my entire life. I may laugh at the local variety shows but it's just... "meh" kind of feeling. But for running man, I can re-watch it dozens of times of the same episode and still laugh as hard as I did before. And 2012 was the year I was taking my 'N' level. Buuuuut, I was not THAT obsessed over RM yet so yes, I did pretty well for Ns... despite of the endless "night-walks" and "running man catching game" during night study in school till late night. Shush. 

And then comes 2013. I remembered myself saying "Omg eww, why do you like KPOP? The guys look like girls" etc etc. You know, those typical haters. Never have I ever imagined myself being in the KPOP world when I actually said those sentences just 4 years back (lower secondary moments). I need a smack in my head cause I have not regretted entering the KPOP world. Say whatever you want but if KPOP keeps me happy, so be it. Accept it. So who was the first KPOP boy band that I love? 

JJANG! It's these guys. The first ever KPOP group I laid my eyes on. BIG BANG. 빅뱅. And I was not even disappointed once. These boys. The talents. The humour. The songs. Everything. How did it all started? Well, it started with a dream... 

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

but seriously though. I swear it started with a dream. Dreamt that these boys came to my school (YT) and they sang specially for me etc. Laughing out loud, I didn't even knew who they were when I had that dream. I didn't even know WHO Big Bang was when I had that dream. Well, I only knew Taeyang (YoungBae ssi) since I danced to his song "wedding dress" during NDP 2010. SOOOOOOOOO yeah. That's how it all started. I searched for them on Google and Youtube. Their first music video which caught my eyes (and ears) was "하루 하루" (Day by Day). It was such a touching and sad music video and the meaning of the song. (First time crying at a music video though). And then variety shows of them in it. (Favourite is "Night after Night".) And also videos of them performing, doing stupid things and etc. Even had endless amounts of dreams about them. 

I thought to myself "Damn, why must I go crazy over them now???" This was during my O levels period, mind you. I was panicking myself, afraid that I will be too busy going crazy over these boys that I won't focus on my studies. I watched their videos almost every night (literally). I tried so hard to reduce my thinking of them but it gets harder and harder everyday. But someway, somehow, I managed to focus on my studies. Well, their music/songs helped me since it was on replay while I was doing my revision and thankfully, I did pretty well for 'Os'. So yay :D

So slowly combining both RM and BB, my interest in Korea started rising. And during my holidays after Os, I spent most of my time watching KDramas starting from 2013-2014. "I Hear Your Voice", "The Heirs", "Emergency Couple", "My Love from Another Star", "Doctor Stranger" and now currently episode 10 of "School 2013" starring LeeJongSuk and KimWooBin. *heart-shaped eyes emoji* 

So as I enter 2014, I already had a list full of Korean words used in everyday conversations. Yes, I'm that obsessed with the Hangul/Korean language. As I entered polytechnic, the first thing I searched for was Korean/(KPOP)Korean-loving friends. And thank God, I did. When I first entered this course (Digital Animation), I thought it was gna be filled with "anime" people. And I don't really fancy anime in a slightest bit. Sorry-not-sorry to say that tho ha ha ha. Soooo, I found friends who liked KPOP and korean stuffs and yep, couldn't stop talking about them up until now. But, I still have yet to find a korean friend tho. I'm still upset about that because how can I learn about Korean Culture and language when I don't even have a Korean friend to begin with. And yet people say Singapore Poly has a lot of Koreans... Guess all of them are under different schools than me, yes? Either that or they're staying away from me. Possible. 

LOOK AT THESE BOYS. LOOK AT EACH OF THEM. SUPER ADORABLE. 

Sooooo as I entered poly, I remember telling my friends about "방탄소년단" (Bangtan Boys) (Bulletproof Scouts). I told her "Where the hell did these boys come from?" "Suddenly popping out from nowhere and being all popular." "WHAT COMPANY ARE THEY EVEN FROM???" Well, I didn't like them at first because most of the VIP friends I know were going to their fandom and leaving Big Bang. But then my cousin introduced me to these boys. It started with "하루만" and "Boy in Luv". Well, they introduced me to "Beautiful" but these 2 songs were the ones which caught my attention. The part which caught my attention the most was "Boy In Luv", during the bridge part when Jungkook pulls out a rose and serenades and then Jin and then Jimin. Jimin caught my attention the most. DID YOU SEE THE WAY HE LOOKED AT THE GIRL?! During the "널 밀어내진 못하겠어" part. I dieded. (inside joke). Could never stop replaying that part. And 하루만 during the second chorus and V was singing. How can someone have such a sweet voice in one moment and drastically changed it to a deep (Similar to RapMonster's) voice in another part of the song? Yep, only V. And similar to BB, I couldn't stop watching their music videos and BANGTANTV. It has no end. Their humour is something that I understand but my friends could never understand. What more with their new latest album being released this year? It just got better. Loving all 7 of them and what's even better is that Jimin and V are 95-liners. But they're actually just a few months older than me despite of me being a 96. 

I still am a VIP. But at the same time, I'm also an ARMY. Heading for the YGFAMILY POWER TOUR this weekend with my teacher. YES. MY. TEACHER. She's a VIP and an ARMY too so a big YAY to that. Still am waiting for BIGBANG to release their album tho. Annnnnd Seungri ssi is not coming along for the concert since he got into a major car accident. :( Wishing for him to have a speedy recovery. The sight of the accident looks... very... major. :( (his car literally flipped). 

But one hard thing about you being the only one amongst your group of friends who love everything Korean is that... they won't entertain you. At all. Even when you said a single word in Korean, they'll roll their eyes at you. In Singapore, they have a term called "STEP" which means that you're trying to be someone you're not. Well, it's not "STEP" when you're learning something new and trying hard to improve. And when they ask you where you want to eat and you say "How about Seoul Garden Hotpot?" (cause I've been dying to try the food there) their reply will always be a big fat NO. When you even try to practice the Korean Language with them, they won't even entertain you. Same goes for my family. Their reply would always be "K." LIKE THE BIG FAT GIANT "K" SHOVED INTO YOUR FACE. These is why I want to find Korean friends or someone who is interested in the Korean Culture or language or anything related to Korea. I even tried cooking some Korean food for the family like 떡볶이 and 김밥 but they don't even eat it. Okay, maybe a few bites but then I had to finish the rest of it because they didn't like it. *disappointed emoji*

AND NO, IF I HAVE KOREAN FRIENDS, I DO NOT EXPECT THEM TO LOOK LIKE SOME KPOP STAR OR ACTOR. I AM NOT THAT KIND OF PERSON. In fact I don't even care how they look like. Everyone's beautiful in my eyes. But I just want someone to teach me about their culture and language, that's all. 

I admit that KPOP, KDramas and KVariety were the ones which got me into Korean things but now I'm very serious about learning their culture and language. I'm learning the Korean language through a friend (who has a lot of Korean friends), internet (Talktomeinkorean is the best website ever), dramas, variety shows and songs. I took the time and effort to listen to what they say and tried to even write it in hangul myself and translate it later on. I can read hangul but I can't speak it fluently yet. I searched for classes available in Singapore and the prices are... wow. Well it's not THAT expensive but cmon, I'm a jobless 18 y-old kid who is currently schooling in Singapore Polytechnic and is saving money for a car license (Damn why are things in Singapore so expensive). So priority to car license first then maybe Korean Language classes. I learnt how to say some basic intro such as "안녕하세요. 저는 ______ 입니다. 정말 반가워요. *bows and shake hands*" Of course if they were to ask where I was from or what's my age, I know how to answer them too. I just love the way people speak Hangul. Like the rhythm and tone and speed. I don't know, it's just nice to hear people speak in Hangul when I happen to bump into Koreans here in Singapore. It's like, if I can speak Hangul fluently, trust me, I won't shut up. It's similar to how some girls here in Singapore love it when British people talk. They have that certain accent and it's like music to their ears. That's how it feels for me when I hear the Korean Language. I tried listening to KBS news on tv and I could understand a little here and there but not fully. 

Sometimes I joked with my friends asking "뭐 먹고 싶어요?" and apparently they understand so yaaaaaay.

I even have a dream of entering KARTS (Korea Art University) after getting my diploma buuuuuut parents won't allow it saying that they prefer to see me growing up in front of their very own eyes and that Singapore universities and degrees are better known in the world. I told them to move to SKorea with me but they said they wanted to stay in Singapore. So yep, there goes my dream flying off into thin air. *waves goodbye to dream* If I can't live in SKorea, at least let me go there for my holidays or school trips or internship. Animation is also quite known in Korea just so you know. Like this is made by MESAI (http://mesai.co.kr/), an independent Korean Animation Team(not a company). 

http://youtu.be/vN83DfmH9Tw

Look at that animation! SO SMOOTH. THEY EVEN SHOWED HOW THEY MADE THE ANIMATION AND STORYBOARD AND TEST RENDER. IF THAT'S NOT COOL, I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT IS. AND IT'S ALL DONE IN MAYA(animation software). ONE OF MY INSPIRATION IN ANIMATION, I SWEAR. I even showed this to my animation lecturer, begging him to make a trip to Korea and visit some animation studios or even these guys and told him that animation is known in Korea too and not only Japan (since he kept telling the class about going to Japan for some game show...).

But to sum it all up, I just want to know more about Korea, the culture, the language, the people... everything. Super inspired by "EatYourKimchi" and the tips they give about living in Korea as foreigners are useful as hell. Sorry for the lengthy post but I had to explain this cause people are getting the wrong idea whenever I talk about Korea. So the effort and time I put in for this lengthy post was worth it. It's currently 6am in the morning here and I'm not asleep yet cause I was planning what to write for this post. And it's the holidays here so why not, right? Should head to bed now. 

잘자요,얘들아. :)

What am I to you?

So, it's official. I think I'm gna make this blog a ranting blog for myself. Since I can't really rant to anyone fully. I'm so tired. Going back home at 10pm for almost everyday is no joke. Polytechnic is stressful. Assignments after assignments and no breaks. Work hard now, enjoy later, huh? I'm on the verge of breaking down, I swear. But friends in poly has made it manageable, alhamdulillah.

Nowadays, I always feel so alone. I may be in a room full of people but then, you know. lol I don't even know how to explain how I'm feeling. It's like. I need someone to talk to me. Tell them about how my day went. About what happened. And they'll be fully interested in what I say. Laughing out loud, even my family don't do that. They don't really pay attention to what I say. Everytime I try to talk, it's either they cut me off or they give short simple replies or it turns into a life lesson lecture or even worst, they don't even pay attention. That hurts the most. It's sometimes the same for some of my friends. And they wonder why I'm quiet at times. But when I finally talk, some seldom listen. I'm really tired. Of repeating. Of trying. I'll always end up rejected. My life has never changed. It's still the boring life that I started with since young. I've never went fully crazy with someone. Well, I did once. And I was told to shut up. Ouch. My excitement is someone's annoyance. I seldom laugh fully and sincerely.

It's funny how sometimes, I rant and then people will be coming and saying "lol I'm still here for you." The problem is, I don't want to be a burden. You have your own bestfriend or someone special that you prioritse first. Take care of their feelings first.  I'm a nobody. I don't even know how to explain the scenario myself. I rant to people and they don't even seem to bother. They reply in an annoyed manner. Like those "urgh, just shut up and stop ranting. Be thankful for what you have." Yep, it's ok for others to rant but it's not ok for me to rant.

I've never been anyone's first priority. Not even in my family. lol. Even my sis prioritise my cousins more than me. I can say that I HAVE NEVER BEEN ANYONE'S FIRST PRIORITY IN MY ENTIRE LIFE. Never in any way. Why am I treated so differently. Why can't I ever be treated nicely and fairly. Why do the people I love, care about the feelings of others more than mine? Is it because I'm annoying? Easy to be stepped on? Easy to be left alone? Less important? Less fun?

I remember how during secondary school days, I always cry about things like this. Every night, without fail. Never have I felt so useless(still do tho). But now that I've grown up, I couldn't care less. I feel empty but what can I do about it? If I try to voice out, surely there'll be someone who's unhappy with me. My life has never changed. I really want someone to sincerely care. A hug. A word of real sincere advice or motivation. Something to keep my life going. I always feel like I'm the least important. Not even sure if I'm even important. Please, stop treating me this way.