Don't.

"Why do you always keep your feelings to yourself? You're always happy and you don't share your feelings when you're upset. Don't do that. It's not good." - Friend

Why? 

I'm always the forever smiling, forever laughing and forever cracking lame jokes around everyone.

But there are bound to be times when I'm having a rough day due to certain reasons and my mood will make a 180° change. 

It can be me being tired of everything. Of the way people treated me. The way things didn't go as planned. How I watch the guy I like being close with someone else. The feeling of weakness. How I didn't improve. Sudden waves of self-hate. A lot of things. 

Now, these things happen because of me. Because of who I am. How I acted. The words I've said. The actions I've made. I have no one to blame it on except for myself. 

Me being "tired" is, well, because of me. The people around me are not to be blamed. 

I didn't do well on a job? My fault. I'm tired during trainings? My fault. Me being jealous at the little things? My fault. Me hating how some things didn't work? My fault. Because the one controlling all these different feelings is me.

The people I'm with do not deserve to see all my negative feelings. Especially my family. I can be so upset on the way home but once I've stepped into the house, I will be greeting my family filled with love and smiles. Because that is what they deserve. 

It's not their fault that I was having a bad day. So why show them a sour face and affect them with my negative emotions when they did nothing wrong? 

They don't deserve my sadness. They don't deserve seeing me upset. They don't deserve seeing me cry. They don't deserve any of that bad emotions. 

I don't want to ruin the joyous/happy atmosphere.

I would like people to remember me as the girl who never gets upset. 

The only one who should suffer all these is me.

You're my Mr. Right.

Everyone around me are falling in love. My friends, relatives, family. Everyone. 2016 and 2017 will be filled with many happy events. Engagements and marriages of loved ones. And I can never be happier for them. They've finally found their happy ending.

It's nice to see people falling in love. Tho I don't see the fights and arguments etc, I still feel it's nice to fall in love.

Don't get me wrong, the last time I was in a relationship was years ago. I've somehow forgotten how it feels like to be loved and taken care of by that special someone.

Somehow I think the problem lies with me.

Like what my papa says, "If one person hates you, that person has a problem. But if dozens hate you, you might be the problem."

For the past few "dates" I've been on (not sure if it was a date but yeah I was contacting someone), I can say I was the one who got left behind by the other party.. Some people can be sweethearts in a day and be a total jerk the next. Somehow, someone better caught their attention. It's always the same reason to why they left. Am I not good enough? What am I lacking of? Is it the way I talk? The way I walk? They way I present myself?

For someone who has a VERY low self-esteem, I felt hurt. Is it my face that's the problem? My personality?

The never-ending cycle made me scared of talking to people. I push them away. I told them I treat them as friends. I built my walls so high, waiting for someone to come by with the mighty hammer and break these walls down. I'm starting to be afraid of falling for someone. And when I do start to have a crush, I give up easily.

I tell myself, "They're going to leave like how the rest did. Don't be too attached. Someone better deserves them. You're out of their league."

These are the words I tell myself whenever I start to develop feelings. These are the words I say, to prepare myself if they were to ever leave. These are the words I say to put myself down.

And boy do these words work well.

But to be honest, it would be nice to have someone care for you. Secretly or openly, I don't know.  Ask you how your day was. What you're going to do over the weekends.

"Text me when you reach home."
"Today was a bad day, can you cheer me up?"
"Want to go ____ with me during the school holidays?"
"I heard you were sick. Are you okay?"
"You never gna believe what happened today."
"Wish you were here!"

It would be nice. Someone who motivates you when you're down. Because really, I'm just here for myself. And it can be quite tiring. Cause I can't hold on any longer.

I'm beginning to fall for someone. But I can sense that it's going to be a bad move.

It would be nice. To be in love.

Slow down.

So I made a collage of my sister and I for International Siblings Day and posted it to my IG to show how cute we were back then and how we still are up till now (aasdfghjkl kidding).

As I made comparisons between the 2 pictures, I realized how much both of us have grown. The pictures on top were taken in the 90's and the one below, 2015. I'm 20 and you're 23. Time is passing by too fast, I may say. 

You're already planning about moving on to the next phase in your life; marriage.

No matter how happy I am that Allah swt has found the right person for you (Insya'Allah), there are still parts of me that felt empty. 

Whenever the talks about your engagement and marriage comes up, I always have these kind of thinking.

"You're not going to live with us after you're married."

"I'm not going to come home after a long day at school and see you using your laptop in the living room."

"I'm not going to hear anymore random "meows" from you."

"I won't be able to wait outside of the house while you kept locking and unlocking the front door repeatedly before being scolded by Mama cause you won't open the door and let me in."

"I won't get to lie down on your thighs anymore in car rides."

"I won't get to fight with you about what time we should keep the air-con timer on until."

"I won't get to hear anymore nagging from you if I were to do anything wrong."

"I won't get to hug and annoy you right before you sleep."

"You're not going to throw all my pillows on the floor just so you can wake me up."

So on and so forth. Simple to say, my life will be different. VERY different.

You were my first ever best friend. My best friend since birth. We would always talk about the things that happened when we were kids. All the foolish things we did together. How you kept climbing in and out of the trolley while I was in it and it toppled over. How you were so "mak nenek" and always scold me with your hands cupped at your waist. 

But during my "puberty"(secondary) school days, we weren't so close as we are now. We fought and bickered a lot and rarely talk about personal problems. But as we grew up to be young adults, I finally start to understand you more. Why you nagged and scolded me for my actions (even tho I kept doing it repeatedly). 

You are always the first person I find to rant about a long tiring day at school or about friendship problems or anything. We always have this "inner siblings joke" thing where I can just laugh and laugh for hours in the middle of the night till Papa had to come in and tell us to be quiet. 

Sure you can be a pain in the ass sometimes but it's alright. That's what siblings do. They annoy you to a level you've never experienced before. But I'm just so thankful that you're my sister. 

I still can't believe that I'm going to lose my best friend in a few years' time. Why did I say that? You'll have your own responsibilities, your own problems, your own priorities. Religion will be first, then your husband, then Mama and Papa and Nyai, then your in-laws, then your family (future) and who knows which rank I'll end up in. I won't get to talk to you like how we're talking now. I won't get to annoy you like how I annoy you now. I won't get to joke with you like how I do now. I'm just not prepared to lose my best friend.

You are my first ever true best friend, friend, enemy, sister.

I'm never good in expressing my thoughts and feelings verbally or physically but just know that I'm thankful that Allah swt has blessed me with a sibling like you and that I love you very much, Kak. 

But don't worry, you and everyone else are forever in my prayers, everyday. I always pray for nothing but the best for the people I love. If it makes them happy, it's okay. If you're happy, I'm happy. 

I'm going to cherish every moment I have left with you before you get married.

(p/s: I'm crying buckets while typing this post. *Loser by BigBang starts playing*)

I'm still human.

It's funny how I'm always the one reassuring people that they're needed. Reminding them how wonderful of a person they are. Pulling them back up when they're down. Being there for people when they need someone. Motivating them to do the best they can.

But why is it hard for them to do the same for me. 

I'm still human. Yes, I may act independent but I'm still an ordinary 19 year old human. I have feelings and thoughts. I still need someone to be there for me. To remind me if I'm a wonderful person. To tell me how lucky they are to have me. To give me words of motivation when I'm down. 

It's hard when both parties are feeling down but I'm the one who has to give in and cheer them up instead. And nobody cheers me up. And then everything repeats. I bottle up my feelings and I'll start to look down on myself and question whether my feelings even exist in anyone's eyes. If anyone even cares. If anyone even bothers. 

It sucks when you always act like the strong one but you're not.

My kiddos.

These 2 kiddos right here (not really kiddos tho cause I'm the youngest amongst them) are all I can ever ask for.

Words can't describe how thankful I am to have them in my life. We may rarely meet and forever be busy with our own things but we've never failed to check up on each other from time to time. Each of us taking the initiative to ask how each of our lives are and how we're coping. 

They're the only 2 people I can let all my feelings out to. Like really deep feelings. They've literally seen every single side of me. From rough-me to blur-me to nice-me to broken-me etc. And I like it how they advice me. They give me hurtful but true advices. That's what I need. Not sugarcoated words just to make me feel better. I don't want to feel better. I want to improve. Truth hurts but hey, if it's for your own good, why not, right?

There's something about these 2 that makes them special. We celebrated each others birthdays every year without fail. We've seen each other during our worst and best days. We've been with each other through most of the memories. 

A text from them will always make my day, really. A simple good morning text and reminding us to always be positive and to never give up. Cheering each other on and giving support. That's what I need. (They don't know this yet haha)

I'm no good with words but I just want to say thank you, to the both of you. For everything. 

Nadiah Hazwani, I've seen you grow through your good and bad times since we were in kindergarten. Now, you're already someone's fiancee. You've matured so fast and I couldn't be any happier for you. Now, you're a grown lady so it's time for you to decide on your own, alright? Stop being so hard on yourself. Don't overwork yourself but at the same time, achieve what you want. You've been there for me even if we've not talked for days, weeks or months. But I like how it's you and zat that I always go back to when I have something to say. I was never good in expressing my feelings. I may bully you a lot but just to let you know, I still care for you forever and always.

Aizat Jufrie, you're one hella guy. I really love how we can insult each other every single time we meet but I always end up complimenting you at the end of the day. *smirking emoji* You've been so busy with competitions and now, As. It hurts to see how you're so pressurized by your surroundings but I just want to let you know, you can do it. C'mon, you're Aizat Jufrie, man. I know you can. Me and nadiah know you can. A little bit more till the end of As. Then, you can travel the world like how you plan it to be. (I'm sorry I can't follow you to travel tho.) But please, don't do stupid stuff while you're overseas. Me and nadiah will try our best to pull you back no matter what.

Let's be thankful for what we have. We have our own rezeki so let's make the best out of it. Hoping that our friendship lasts till Jannah insyaAllah. 

This blog rarely has any positive posts but this is an exception because I'm just so thankful for the both of you. I doubt the both of you will ever see this but just to let you know, there's more where these came from. :-*

Meh.

I hate how I do work and expect it to turn out nice but to only be disappointed in the end. It ruins my self esteem. Or when I do something but see that someone else doing it better. And that's when I start with the self-blame. I'll start telling myself negative things. 

"Your work is like shit. You have no chance of getting any recognition. Just give up."

"Stop trying so hard. See that person's work? That's the expectation. You'll never reach it."

"She has such talent. And you don't." 

I always feel upset with myself. Why can't I do this. Why can't I do that. I have a habit of bringing myself down. Me and my stupid insecurities. So many things to say but I just can't put it to words. 

Ah what a shitty shitty night. I'm still wondering why I'm holding on. 

Little did they know.

People have always known me for someone who's positive. Who smiles even when she faces a problem. Who is the happy-go-lucky type. Someone with a lot of friends. Someone who has a lot of listening ears. 

But little did they know:-

That I sleep a lot not because I'm tired but I find that being in my dreams is better than reality. 

That the person I am outside is not the same as the person who sits alone in the bedroom at 3am in the morning. 

That I blame myself for everything. 

That I feel like my existance is unimportant. 

That I smile when I'm upset because I don't like to show people the weak side of me even though I'm crumbling down inside. 

That I cry alone when I'm disappointed with myself. 

That I've been dying to tell someone my problems but didn't because it's not important. 

That I've always wanted those little surprises but didn't get it because I'm of no importance. 

That I get jealous of how good other people are treated by their friends. 

That I actually die a little inside when I tell people my problems but they're half-heartedly listening.

That the people who told me "I'll be there for you" weren't really there because they had more better and important things to attend to.

That I once had suicidal thoughts. 

That I once thought of hurting myself. 

That I secretly once wished that my friends would surprise me on my birthday but didn't. 

That I secretly wished they dedicated a post on instagram to me on my birthday but didn't. 

That I've been taken advantage of many times. 

That I gave my all to people but to only receive parts of it back. 

That I once had a night so bad that I thought of hurting myself then and then. 

That I wished I had friends who go through my tough times with me and not just the happy times. 

That I'm very weak and may break down at any point of time.

That I try my best to show my positive side to people but break down once I'm alone. 

That I stare into blank space and imagine how life would be better if I weren't here. 

I have more to write and these are just parts of it. 

At the end of the day, the One who saves me from these things is Allah swt, myself and the thought of my family. 

I still wonder how I managed to pull through those suicidal and hurting thoughts alone. 

It's very tiring. 

A message to you people reading this. 

Just because someone is happy. Smiling. Laughing. Positive. Doesn't mean that they're fully problem-free. 

They just choose to look on the brighter side of everything.

But just know that everyone has a breaking point.

Hear them out once in a while. Be there for them. 

It would mean the world to them.