So, it's official. I think I'm gna make this blog a ranting blog for myself. Since I can't really rant to anyone fully. I'm so tired. Going back home at 10pm for almost everyday is no joke. Polytechnic is stressful. Assignments after assignments and no breaks. Work hard now, enjoy later, huh? I'm on the verge of breaking down, I swear. But friends in poly has made it manageable, alhamdulillah.
Nowadays, I always feel so alone. I may be in a room full of people but then, you know. lol I don't even know how to explain how I'm feeling. It's like. I need someone to talk to me. Tell them about how my day went. About what happened. And they'll be fully interested in what I say. Laughing out loud, even my family don't do that. They don't really pay attention to what I say. Everytime I try to talk, it's either they cut me off or they give short simple replies or it turns into a life lesson lecture or even worst, they don't even pay attention. That hurts the most. It's sometimes the same for some of my friends. And they wonder why I'm quiet at times. But when I finally talk, some seldom listen. I'm really tired. Of repeating. Of trying. I'll always end up rejected. My life has never changed. It's still the boring life that I started with since young. I've never went fully crazy with someone. Well, I did once. And I was told to shut up. Ouch. My excitement is someone's annoyance. I seldom laugh fully and sincerely.
It's funny how sometimes, I rant and then people will be coming and saying "lol I'm still here for you." The problem is, I don't want to be a burden. You have your own bestfriend or someone special that you prioritse first. Take care of their feelings first. I'm a nobody. I don't even know how to explain the scenario myself. I rant to people and they don't even seem to bother. They reply in an annoyed manner. Like those "urgh, just shut up and stop ranting. Be thankful for what you have." Yep, it's ok for others to rant but it's not ok for me to rant.
I've never been anyone's first priority. Not even in my family. lol. Even my sis prioritise my cousins more than me. I can say that I HAVE NEVER BEEN ANYONE'S FIRST PRIORITY IN MY ENTIRE LIFE. Never in any way. Why am I treated so differently. Why can't I ever be treated nicely and fairly. Why do the people I love, care about the feelings of others more than mine? Is it because I'm annoying? Easy to be stepped on? Easy to be left alone? Less important? Less fun?
I remember how during secondary school days, I always cry about things like this. Every night, without fail. Never have I felt so useless(still do tho). But now that I've grown up, I couldn't care less. I feel empty but what can I do about it? If I try to voice out, surely there'll be someone who's unhappy with me. My life has never changed. I really want someone to sincerely care. A hug. A word of real sincere advice or motivation. Something to keep my life going. I always feel like I'm the least important. Not even sure if I'm even important. Please, stop treating me this way.
