Meep.

Sorry for the random picture but this is my favourite movie and also my favourite scene from the movie.

Why don't boys look at me like that? Hah. Kidds. What's love? *smirks* Apologies for the sarcasm there. I'm just too numb to feelings around me. I wonder if there's even any. I think people are actually sick of me being emotional and stuff. Can't help it, can I?

Anyway, long story short, the last time I posted was on... 17 Dec? Yeah, that super emotional post. I still feel the same way tho. Nothing positive is changing in my life. 2014 is coming in 2 days and I'm still the same, old, boring me. But it's alright, I guess? 

This December, my family and I took a short vacation to KL. Nowhere far. Plus, it's the thought that counts. Didn't do much shopping for myself because the apparels there didn't really catch my attention. I made a new pair of glasses though. I really want to end my 2013 and enter 2014 on a positive note. But then, I'm not sure if it's due to my period now which is causing me to have moodswings or that really is my actual feeling. It's like this feelings of sadness and whatever I do, I myself feel very annoyed. Like it's not right. You know? I don't know. Aishhhhhh.  

On a positive note here, I dreamt of GDragon. Heh. Well, obviously it's a happy dream. We were wearing a couple varsity jackets with a number ''56'' on it. God knows what it meant. HAHA. I better stop before his fans feel disgusted with me. LIKE ANYONE EVEN READS THIS DAMN BLOG HUHHHH.

Forgive me once again for this post has short and random topics I talk about. Ending this post by talking about how useless I am. I'm annoying. All my cousins from both my mum's and dad's sides can sing while I can't. All I can do is draw. And my drawings aren't that nice either. Whenever I post a picture of my drawing to others, I think people would be like "You're trying too hard to draw. Stop it." And when I sing, people would tell me to stop cause I can't sing. My dad even told me, "You sing nice. But if you don't sing, nicer." lol. I can't remember the last time I was complimented for something. Ahhhhhhh whatever. I'm too tired to think about this over and over again. But this thinking won't just stop. I'm nobody's favourite. I'll never be first. I'm not capable of anything. But you know what? I'm okay.

Thoughts for today.

LONELINESS.

It's been long since I last blogged. So many thoughts going through my mind right now. People may look at me as someone who's carefree. Someone who's positive and someone who doesn't have any problems in her life. Someone who's happy cause she has everything she could ever ask for. Well, that's how I look on the outside and how I talk to people. I talk to people in a cheerful and happy way. I never talk to people so negatively. People seldom see me being sad or depressed. When I get mad, I've never blew my top. That's why they interpreted wrongly. They must have also forgotten that I'm a human being too. I may be happy but at the same time, I have other feelings too. But all happy people are bound to have their breaking points.

I have a family. I have my loved ones. I have a home, clothes, food. Some things that others don't. I'm truly am thankful for what Allah swt have given me. However, there's one thing missing. I look at couples around me. And I have a tad bit of jealousy for them. But then, I told myself, "I'm only 17." I learnt from my lesson and I promised my parents that I'm not gonna have another relationship till I'm 21. (laugh out loud, I'm not even sure if I'll have a relationship ever.) But then again, I look at how couples care for each other. How they're the source of happiness yet at the same time they're also the source of pain. But what I'm interested in is not a BGR. How should I put this...? I don't want to sound desperate nor too depressed cause... JUDGMENTAL SOCIETY. Duh. But what I'm trying to say is, all I need is someone to care for me. Call me pampered or whatsoever you want but try being in my shoes. Where you see bestfriends around you being silly and all. Caring for each other and being there for each other when needed. 

All I need, is someone who'll text me and ask," You alright?" when I tweet or say that I'm unwell or feeling down. It doesn't have to be a boyfriend or bestfriend. It just has to be a friend. Someone who'll text me a long paragraph, saying how lucky they are to have me in their life and how I changed them into someone better. Someone who'll protect me. Someone... who's actually grateful and thankful to have me in their life. Someone who'll randomly text me,"Hey, wanna go shopping/out?" or "Sup man, I've missed you.". I need a friend who'll be my listening ear. A friend who won't be lazy to entertain me on my depressed nights ( I do have them some nights ). 

I know, I'm the least fun one. But then, I'm trying my very best to be the fun friend. Sometimes, I blame myself when I this happened. I kept telling myself, "Oh, this happened cause you didn't do this, you didn't do that. You should have done better." I blame myself cause I do not have a common interest with people. I'm lame. I'm annoying. I'm too clingy. I'm boring. I'm no fun. I say stupid things. No wonder people don't really fancy hanging out with me.

I'm being all egoistic when I see something that hurts me. I'll say that it didn't affect me at all when it sometimes does. I may appear strong but still, dalam hati ada taman. That means that I still have a soft heart.

Aigo. 진짜 몰라. That means, I really don't know. I really don't know what to do anymore. I guess I have to leave with this life till Allah swt takes my life away. However, I'm still happy and thankful for what I have now.

p/s: Bought a "Learn Korean" book. At least that's one thing that I'm happy about.

Typing this in the dark. It's really hurting my eyes. Plus, I can't see the keyboard so well.

Well salutations to you, my fellow friend!

It has been around a few months since I last blogged all because I went on a hiatus due to O levels. One of the most stressful month I've ever went through. I didn't even felt this stress during my Ns last year. My classmates and I even had time to play Running Man, Hide n Seek and even Night-Walking around the school during our night studies. HAHAHAHA best year of my life :') 

Within this few 1-2 months, a lot of things happened. Both bad and good, I guess? But who knows. I realised that I'm starting to be more positive in life. It's like I'm reaaaaaally positive nowadays. I do have those emotional moments too but not as much as I do last time. So woohoo, clap clap. BUT! I mustn't get my hopes up too high cause bad things will definitely occur when you're too happy. It's like wrong to be TOO happy and it's also wrong to be TOO depressed or sad. 

Bear with me on this post cause it's gna be a long one. And it's quite unbelievable that it's only the first week since Os has ended. Sooooo, let's begin. Attended a lot of events for the past few days like CIP work with darlings(Nadiah, Yani and Hawa) and super major friendly students from ITE, Mas' sis' birthday party, surprise birthday party for Syarif (which turned out to be a major and hilarious success) andddddd I guess that's about it. Come to think of it, it's not that much of an event but still? Hah. Oh! And I even bought myself a belated 4 months 1 week birthday gift. The only present I bought for myself. And here it is.....

My beautiful baby :* aww hehe. It isn't much but it's gna help me a lot in my art stuff. Speaking of art stuff, finally bought myself a pair of canvas and started painting one of em' right away. And alhamdulillah, I am truly satisfied with the outcome.

It's so priddyyyyyy. ^^ 

So, other than the camera and outings and paintings and drawings, I have also done anothing thing which most people would think it's stupid. I tried learning the korean language all on my own. Like literally downloading applications on my phone and even going to Wikipedia for help. And I have to say, I am proud of myself. Cause I can read at least a sentence in Korean BUT I do have problems pronouncing since my pronunciation of the Hangul is so malay-ish. Hais. I even tried typing "Niga Mwonde" in Hangul without using any of my Hangul notes and it turned out fine, I think. I typed 니가 문데 instead of 니가 뭔데. I forgot the "ㅓ". At least it's something. :B heeeeeee. Improvements to be made, yes? Ahhhhh.

Ending this post with me complaining about how I can't find any jobs. It's the holidays, there are loads of plans made and I don't have any money to go out. I can't have my parents forever supplying me with money. :( It's unfair for them. Why is Singapore so expensive. Sigh. Well, till we meet again. 

For now, السلام عليكم and 안녕.

Something I face.

Short ugly doodle done by me.

So, you'll most probably know what the picture is about. Use your SBQ skills to infer. So, the only reason for me to create this blog was to rant about my life. I still wonder why I drew myself in my school uniform... that's so weird. Okay, moving on. Today's topic would be about being last in everything.

So I had a conversation with Syarif and he said something which states the truth about myself.

Conversation
Syarif: Ya, I nobody what.
Me: If you're nobody, then what am I?
Syarif: You're (nobody) square.

So it actually meant [nobody x nobody]. Ouch, but I have to say it's true. I'm never anyone's option. Even if I were to be someone's option, I would definitely be last. I'm also THAT friend, THAT person who's always last in getting picked. Since my first day in nursery school till now. Even my nursery school teacher hated me. For what? That still remained as a mystery to me. School, family, I'm always last. Throughout my whole life, I'm either being left out or last. Okay, not really left out but you get the picture. It's kinda hard, yknow. I'm not sure if the problems lies within me or people just have better options than me. I mean, look at me. I'm not that great or good. There's surely someone better than me. That's why I'm always placed last. I think if I were to be stuck in burning building, I would most probably be saved last. I'm the least popular, I'm the least well-known. Actually, I don't care a single bit about popularity but I would sure like to be known for my kindness or friendly gestures done towards other. But I doubt so. Must be due to my annoying face.

Oh yeah, that's me and Syazzy.

So, today I had a "Ladies' Day Out" with the lovely cousins. We had a group picture but I look horrible in it therefore I shall not post it. So it all started from morning. Dad sent me to Northpoint cause I had to run some errands and then I travelled all the way to Somersat to meet up with my cousins. While waiting for the train, 2 pretty hijab girls caught my attention. Their fashion sense is so... wow. *.* And something hilarious happened when I reached Somersat. I had a conversation with this bimbotic cousin of mine in the picture above.

Conversation
She: Firah, where are you?
Me: Somersat. Why? Where are you?
She: I'm in front of the cinema. It's raining. Do you have an umbrella?
Me: Serious? Heavy rain? I don't have!
She: Okay, I pick you up at the opposite side of the HMV building.

Okay this moment I swear I didn't know that HMV had a building. Since when was HMV rich enough to have a building? And so I asked her.

Me: You mean HMV in Somersat 313?
Syazzy: *with full confidence* No! The building!

So I was too lazy to text after that. So I rang her up.

Me: Syazzy, H&M you mean?
Her: Oh ya, H&M. *uncontrollable laughter*

Okay, it may not sound funny to you readers but I swear I looked like a lunatic laughing all on my own in public. So..................... ya.

"THE INTERN" IS A MUST WATCH MOVIE! Google is like so awesome. The workplace environment of Google is like a wonderland for grown-ups with kiddy minds. Definitely worth my $$. 

AND PRAISES TO ALLAH SWT, I FINALLY GOT TO DINE AT 18CHEFS AFTER 3 YEARS OF NOT EATING THERE. It tasted like heaven. Creamy chicken sausage baked rice. *tears of joy* After lunch/dinner, we head to Scape's flee market and went window shopping for a while. No clothes interest me. I have yet to buy my birthday present (which was on 11 July) so I thought, "Why not I buy some clothes for myself?" So we, went to ZARA, Forever 21, Cotton On, H&M and Uniqlo just to find a nice set of clothing. And guess what? I bought nothing. All the clothes were either see-through, sleeveless or short. Sigh. So we just went home instead. I'm the type of person who sees what I like and buy it straight away without having any doubts. If I have a mindset of buying something, I'll head to the shop, buy it and then go home. No time wasted. But, I wouldn't mind accompanying someone for window shopping. However, I might whine a little after some time. Warning before asking me out for window shopping. Give me snacks to shut me up. hehe. I think my future-husband would be lucky to have me cause I don't really spend my money on clothes a lot. 

Whoops. Thinking too far into the future. But I have to say today was a well-spent day. Now, I'm just looking forward to having an outing with all my cousins from both Singapore and Malaysia. Long post isn't it? Now go sleep.

Who said you could only post once per day?

I am back! Well, it has only been a few hours. I just have so many things to rant about.

So, basically, I created this blog in the afternoon, earlier on. It took me hours just to find a very nice theme and template for this blog of mine. But things went haywire and I was like, "Y'know what? Eff it." Oh, and just for you to know (if there are any readers out there), I do not swear. True story. Hah. Moving on.

The reason I created this blog was to simply rant about my life. But then people would be like, "What about twitter?" Yeah. Psh. With that 140 word limit of theirs? I don't think so. (but I still love you, Twitter) *hugs and kisses* Bear with me cause this is going to be a very long blog post and also because tonight is one of those "depressed" nights. Not really depressed but I can't find a better word to use so... *shrugs*.

The topic I'm going to talk about today is low self esteem. Umm, it's not really low self esteem but it's just that feeling where by you feel useless, everyone's better than you and you're not worthy of anybody's time. Yes, that. Do not judge me. I'm human too, okay.

So, I've always been feeling rather down lately (everyday, to be exact. Heh.) No, it's not about relationships or whatsoever. Please eh, no. It's like, I look at the people around me and I feel so... little. Worthless. And I'm the kind whereby I don't seek attention on social networks and be all, "Eeeew, I'm so ugly" and then post a selfie of myself. No. I'm the type who keeps things to myself cause I do not want to burden people with my problems. And that, is actually the problem. Whenever people are feeling down, I help them get back up. But when I'm feeling down, people disappear. Must be because I rarely show my sadness off to people. Okay, let me give you a simple scenario, okay? This is what I'm witnessing everyday. THESE ARE ONLY EXAMPLES.

Scenario
Friend tweeted: Omg, I'm so sad. Why is this happening to me. Sigh, I'm feeling so sick etc, etc, etc.
Twitter friends reply(note on the 'S', plural): Oh dear, are you okay? / Stay strong my love! *hearts and kisses*/ Cheer up babe! We love you! / Get well soon, babygirlkishkishsayanqeubanyakbanyak!

Okay, the last part was a wee bit of exaggerating but you get the picture.

I tweeted: Oh Allah, this headache is killing me.
Twitter friends:...

Do you see the difference there? I'm not sure if I'm the only one facing this but you know how it feels. How others are treated way better than you despite of you trying your best to fit in and make people happy. How you're always the last resort for people's choices (Unless if it were to be someone to kill first, I would prolly be first in line). *exaggeration* Every time this happens, I feel like there's no need for me to have social networks cause people don't really seem to care about my life (except for my family, duh-uh) HAHAHAHA. People around me are more of curious rather than caring. I think. I don't know. And overall, in this whole situation, I think I'm the one with problems. Well, firstly, I'm annoying (even my friends told me so). I'm never reliable (I think that's the reason why people never come to me for anything). I don't open up to people cause whenever I tell someone something, they seem so... less-interested? Like those, "uhh, shut up woman. You're noisy and annoying." Yes, that. HA HA HA That's why I'm forever keeping everything to myself. Sigh, I guess this post is too long? Shall continue on a later time or date or whenever I feel like it. Psht. Dayum, too anti-climax.

p/s: It would really be a great honour to be complimented and praised upon my efforts.

Welcome back.

Too cute.

So, I'm welcoming myself back to blogging. The last time I actually blogged was 3-4 years back? Worst memory ever. The way I typed back then was filled with acronyms and 'minah' vocabulary. Such major embarrassment. *super ultimate facepalm* It's a good thing I deleted it asap. Can you ever imagine if someone actually read that blog? I'll probably be judged. Society nowadays. HAHAHAHA I'm taking my 'O' level examination this year so posts will be up occasionally. 

So please, bear with me. I have a boring life... well, it's not boring but at the same time it's not lively either. So we'll just see what happens. So let's head on for an adventure with me soon. :)