Don't.

"Why do you always keep your feelings to yourself? You're always happy and you don't share your feelings when you're upset. Don't do that. It's not good." - Friend

Why? 

I'm always the forever smiling, forever laughing and forever cracking lame jokes around everyone.

But there are bound to be times when I'm having a rough day due to certain reasons and my mood will make a 180° change. 

It can be me being tired of everything. Of the way people treated me. The way things didn't go as planned. How I watch the guy I like being close with someone else. The feeling of weakness. How I didn't improve. Sudden waves of self-hate. A lot of things. 

Now, these things happen because of me. Because of who I am. How I acted. The words I've said. The actions I've made. I have no one to blame it on except for myself. 

Me being "tired" is, well, because of me. The people around me are not to be blamed. 

I didn't do well on a job? My fault. I'm tired during trainings? My fault. Me being jealous at the little things? My fault. Me hating how some things didn't work? My fault. Because the one controlling all these different feelings is me.

The people I'm with do not deserve to see all my negative feelings. Especially my family. I can be so upset on the way home but once I've stepped into the house, I will be greeting my family filled with love and smiles. Because that is what they deserve. 

It's not their fault that I was having a bad day. So why show them a sour face and affect them with my negative emotions when they did nothing wrong? 

They don't deserve my sadness. They don't deserve seeing me upset. They don't deserve seeing me cry. They don't deserve any of that bad emotions. 

I don't want to ruin the joyous/happy atmosphere.

I would like people to remember me as the girl who never gets upset. 

The only one who should suffer all these is me.

You're my Mr. Right.

Everyone around me are falling in love. My friends, relatives, family. Everyone. 2016 and 2017 will be filled with many happy events. Engagements and marriages of loved ones. And I can never be happier for them. They've finally found their happy ending.

It's nice to see people falling in love. Tho I don't see the fights and arguments etc, I still feel it's nice to fall in love.

Don't get me wrong, the last time I was in a relationship was years ago. I've somehow forgotten how it feels like to be loved and taken care of by that special someone.

Somehow I think the problem lies with me.

Like what my papa says, "If one person hates you, that person has a problem. But if dozens hate you, you might be the problem."

For the past few "dates" I've been on (not sure if it was a date but yeah I was contacting someone), I can say I was the one who got left behind by the other party.. Some people can be sweethearts in a day and be a total jerk the next. Somehow, someone better caught their attention. It's always the same reason to why they left. Am I not good enough? What am I lacking of? Is it the way I talk? The way I walk? They way I present myself?

For someone who has a VERY low self-esteem, I felt hurt. Is it my face that's the problem? My personality?

The never-ending cycle made me scared of talking to people. I push them away. I told them I treat them as friends. I built my walls so high, waiting for someone to come by with the mighty hammer and break these walls down. I'm starting to be afraid of falling for someone. And when I do start to have a crush, I give up easily.

I tell myself, "They're going to leave like how the rest did. Don't be too attached. Someone better deserves them. You're out of their league."

These are the words I tell myself whenever I start to develop feelings. These are the words I say, to prepare myself if they were to ever leave. These are the words I say to put myself down.

And boy do these words work well.

But to be honest, it would be nice to have someone care for you. Secretly or openly, I don't know.  Ask you how your day was. What you're going to do over the weekends.

"Text me when you reach home."
"Today was a bad day, can you cheer me up?"
"Want to go ____ with me during the school holidays?"
"I heard you were sick. Are you okay?"
"You never gna believe what happened today."
"Wish you were here!"

It would be nice. Someone who motivates you when you're down. Because really, I'm just here for myself. And it can be quite tiring. Cause I can't hold on any longer.

I'm beginning to fall for someone. But I can sense that it's going to be a bad move.

It would be nice. To be in love.

Slow down.

So I made a collage of my sister and I for International Siblings Day and posted it to my IG to show how cute we were back then and how we still are up till now (aasdfghjkl kidding).

As I made comparisons between the 2 pictures, I realized how much both of us have grown. The pictures on top were taken in the 90's and the one below, 2015. I'm 20 and you're 23. Time is passing by too fast, I may say. 

You're already planning about moving on to the next phase in your life; marriage.

No matter how happy I am that Allah swt has found the right person for you (Insya'Allah), there are still parts of me that felt empty. 

Whenever the talks about your engagement and marriage comes up, I always have these kind of thinking.

"You're not going to live with us after you're married."

"I'm not going to come home after a long day at school and see you using your laptop in the living room."

"I'm not going to hear anymore random "meows" from you."

"I won't be able to wait outside of the house while you kept locking and unlocking the front door repeatedly before being scolded by Mama cause you won't open the door and let me in."

"I won't get to lie down on your thighs anymore in car rides."

"I won't get to fight with you about what time we should keep the air-con timer on until."

"I won't get to hear anymore nagging from you if I were to do anything wrong."

"I won't get to hug and annoy you right before you sleep."

"You're not going to throw all my pillows on the floor just so you can wake me up."

So on and so forth. Simple to say, my life will be different. VERY different.

You were my first ever best friend. My best friend since birth. We would always talk about the things that happened when we were kids. All the foolish things we did together. How you kept climbing in and out of the trolley while I was in it and it toppled over. How you were so "mak nenek" and always scold me with your hands cupped at your waist. 

But during my "puberty"(secondary) school days, we weren't so close as we are now. We fought and bickered a lot and rarely talk about personal problems. But as we grew up to be young adults, I finally start to understand you more. Why you nagged and scolded me for my actions (even tho I kept doing it repeatedly). 

You are always the first person I find to rant about a long tiring day at school or about friendship problems or anything. We always have this "inner siblings joke" thing where I can just laugh and laugh for hours in the middle of the night till Papa had to come in and tell us to be quiet. 

Sure you can be a pain in the ass sometimes but it's alright. That's what siblings do. They annoy you to a level you've never experienced before. But I'm just so thankful that you're my sister. 

I still can't believe that I'm going to lose my best friend in a few years' time. Why did I say that? You'll have your own responsibilities, your own problems, your own priorities. Religion will be first, then your husband, then Mama and Papa and Nyai, then your in-laws, then your family (future) and who knows which rank I'll end up in. I won't get to talk to you like how we're talking now. I won't get to annoy you like how I annoy you now. I won't get to joke with you like how I do now. I'm just not prepared to lose my best friend.

You are my first ever true best friend, friend, enemy, sister.

I'm never good in expressing my thoughts and feelings verbally or physically but just know that I'm thankful that Allah swt has blessed me with a sibling like you and that I love you very much, Kak. 

But don't worry, you and everyone else are forever in my prayers, everyday. I always pray for nothing but the best for the people I love. If it makes them happy, it's okay. If you're happy, I'm happy. 

I'm going to cherish every moment I have left with you before you get married.

(p/s: I'm crying buckets while typing this post. *Loser by BigBang starts playing*)