I'm still human.

It's funny how I'm always the one reassuring people that they're needed. Reminding them how wonderful of a person they are. Pulling them back up when they're down. Being there for people when they need someone. Motivating them to do the best they can.

But why is it hard for them to do the same for me. 

I'm still human. Yes, I may act independent but I'm still an ordinary 19 year old human. I have feelings and thoughts. I still need someone to be there for me. To remind me if I'm a wonderful person. To tell me how lucky they are to have me. To give me words of motivation when I'm down. 

It's hard when both parties are feeling down but I'm the one who has to give in and cheer them up instead. And nobody cheers me up. And then everything repeats. I bottle up my feelings and I'll start to look down on myself and question whether my feelings even exist in anyone's eyes. If anyone even cares. If anyone even bothers. 

It sucks when you always act like the strong one but you're not.

My kiddos.

These 2 kiddos right here (not really kiddos tho cause I'm the youngest amongst them) are all I can ever ask for.

Words can't describe how thankful I am to have them in my life. We may rarely meet and forever be busy with our own things but we've never failed to check up on each other from time to time. Each of us taking the initiative to ask how each of our lives are and how we're coping. 

They're the only 2 people I can let all my feelings out to. Like really deep feelings. They've literally seen every single side of me. From rough-me to blur-me to nice-me to broken-me etc. And I like it how they advice me. They give me hurtful but true advices. That's what I need. Not sugarcoated words just to make me feel better. I don't want to feel better. I want to improve. Truth hurts but hey, if it's for your own good, why not, right?

There's something about these 2 that makes them special. We celebrated each others birthdays every year without fail. We've seen each other during our worst and best days. We've been with each other through most of the memories. 

A text from them will always make my day, really. A simple good morning text and reminding us to always be positive and to never give up. Cheering each other on and giving support. That's what I need. (They don't know this yet haha)

I'm no good with words but I just want to say thank you, to the both of you. For everything. 

Nadiah Hazwani, I've seen you grow through your good and bad times since we were in kindergarten. Now, you're already someone's fiancee. You've matured so fast and I couldn't be any happier for you. Now, you're a grown lady so it's time for you to decide on your own, alright? Stop being so hard on yourself. Don't overwork yourself but at the same time, achieve what you want. You've been there for me even if we've not talked for days, weeks or months. But I like how it's you and zat that I always go back to when I have something to say. I was never good in expressing my feelings. I may bully you a lot but just to let you know, I still care for you forever and always.

Aizat Jufrie, you're one hella guy. I really love how we can insult each other every single time we meet but I always end up complimenting you at the end of the day. *smirking emoji* You've been so busy with competitions and now, As. It hurts to see how you're so pressurized by your surroundings but I just want to let you know, you can do it. C'mon, you're Aizat Jufrie, man. I know you can. Me and nadiah know you can. A little bit more till the end of As. Then, you can travel the world like how you plan it to be. (I'm sorry I can't follow you to travel tho.) But please, don't do stupid stuff while you're overseas. Me and nadiah will try our best to pull you back no matter what.

Let's be thankful for what we have. We have our own rezeki so let's make the best out of it. Hoping that our friendship lasts till Jannah insyaAllah. 

This blog rarely has any positive posts but this is an exception because I'm just so thankful for the both of you. I doubt the both of you will ever see this but just to let you know, there's more where these came from. :-*

Meh.

I hate how I do work and expect it to turn out nice but to only be disappointed in the end. It ruins my self esteem. Or when I do something but see that someone else doing it better. And that's when I start with the self-blame. I'll start telling myself negative things. 

"Your work is like shit. You have no chance of getting any recognition. Just give up."

"Stop trying so hard. See that person's work? That's the expectation. You'll never reach it."

"She has such talent. And you don't." 

I always feel upset with myself. Why can't I do this. Why can't I do that. I have a habit of bringing myself down. Me and my stupid insecurities. So many things to say but I just can't put it to words. 

Ah what a shitty shitty night. I'm still wondering why I'm holding on. 

Little did they know.

People have always known me for someone who's positive. Who smiles even when she faces a problem. Who is the happy-go-lucky type. Someone with a lot of friends. Someone who has a lot of listening ears. 

But little did they know:-

That I sleep a lot not because I'm tired but I find that being in my dreams is better than reality. 

That the person I am outside is not the same as the person who sits alone in the bedroom at 3am in the morning. 

That I blame myself for everything. 

That I feel like my existance is unimportant. 

That I smile when I'm upset because I don't like to show people the weak side of me even though I'm crumbling down inside. 

That I cry alone when I'm disappointed with myself. 

That I've been dying to tell someone my problems but didn't because it's not important. 

That I've always wanted those little surprises but didn't get it because I'm of no importance. 

That I get jealous of how good other people are treated by their friends. 

That I actually die a little inside when I tell people my problems but they're half-heartedly listening.

That the people who told me "I'll be there for you" weren't really there because they had more better and important things to attend to.

That I once had suicidal thoughts. 

That I once thought of hurting myself. 

That I secretly once wished that my friends would surprise me on my birthday but didn't. 

That I secretly wished they dedicated a post on instagram to me on my birthday but didn't. 

That I've been taken advantage of many times. 

That I gave my all to people but to only receive parts of it back. 

That I once had a night so bad that I thought of hurting myself then and then. 

That I wished I had friends who go through my tough times with me and not just the happy times. 

That I'm very weak and may break down at any point of time.

That I try my best to show my positive side to people but break down once I'm alone. 

That I stare into blank space and imagine how life would be better if I weren't here. 

I have more to write and these are just parts of it. 

At the end of the day, the One who saves me from these things is Allah swt, myself and the thought of my family. 

I still wonder how I managed to pull through those suicidal and hurting thoughts alone. 

It's very tiring. 

A message to you people reading this. 

Just because someone is happy. Smiling. Laughing. Positive. Doesn't mean that they're fully problem-free. 

They just choose to look on the brighter side of everything.

But just know that everyone has a breaking point.

Hear them out once in a while. Be there for them. 

It would mean the world to them. 

WHY IS IT ME?

It's funny how in one day I could update a happy post and a sad post. Well, I actually thought of just updating this instead earlier on but I told myself I was too negative to think in such manner. So, I decided to write about my skincare routine to keep my mind occupied and distract myself. Time now is 3.45am (SGT) and I'm still upset. The distraction didn't work. So here goes my rant. 

Have you ever wanted to cry for no reason? Well, you have a reason but you think it's too pathetic for it to be a reason to shed tears. I feel like that every time and it's making me weak as days past. I can''t find the strong girl whom I used to be. Where did she go? 

I've always wanted someone to hear me out. OKAY, NOW THIS IS IT. THE THING I'VE BEEN KEEPING IN ALL THESE WHILE. WHO CARES WHAT ANYONE SAYS. I'M JUST GNA SAY IT.

WHY IS IT THAT MY FRIENDS CAN BE THERE FOR SOMEONE BUT NOT ME. 

WHY IS IT WHEN I'M UPSET, NO ONE BOTHERS TO COMFORT ME.

 WHY IS IT THAT EVERY TIME I ASK SOMEONE IF THEY CAN SPARE PART OF THEIR TIME FOR ME, THEY CAN'T BUT WHEN IT COMES TO THEIR OTHER FRIENDS, THEY HAVE ALL THE TIME IN THE WORLD. 

WHY IS IT THAT I'M ALWAYS IGNORED LIKE THIS SINCE YOUNG. 

WHY IS IT WHEN IT COMES TO THEM, I'M WILLING TO SACRIFICE MY TIME. 

WHY IS IT THAT WHEN THE TIME I'M UPSET, ALL MY FRIENDS ARE BUSY. 

WHY IS IT ME WHO'S ALWAYS THE ONE IN THE BACK. 

WHY IS IT ALWAYS ME WHO'S ALWAYS THE LEAST IMPORTANT. 

WHY IS IT ME WHO NO ONE CARES WHEN I'M LEFT BEHIND.

WHY AM I SO NICE TO PEOPLE.

WHY AM I SO WEAK.
WHY DO I LET PEOPLE STEP ON ME.

AM I EVEN NEEDED? TELL ME IF I'M NOT.

GOD KNOWS HOW MUCH I'VE KEPT THIS BOTTLED UP INSIDE ME. 

IF THE SHOE FITS, FEEL FREE TO WEAR IT. I'M TOO UPSET TO EVEN CARE.

...I'm worthless.

UPDATED SKINCARE ROUTINE. (스킨케어 루틴)

Salutations to all!

The last time I've updated this blog was in January. Soooo irresponsible, no? Well, anyways, have always thought about writing a post about my skincare routine since Dec last year but I thought no one would read it. But meh, why not right? So, let's get started!

Now, if you've read my previous skincare routine post, I've stated about what kind of skin I have. I have a super super major oily skin. Trust me when I say SUPER MAJOR OILY SKIN. How oily can it get? Let's see.

I wake up in the morning (feeling like P Diddy,)..................... Ok, no. I woke up and I can feel my skin feeling super sticky and oily and just... meh. It's really uncomfortable. Despite of me washing my face really well right before I sleep and drinking loads of water, my face will still be oily in the morning.

So, I proceeded to shower and wash my face well with my cleansing products. Step out of the shower and apply my skincare products. Then I had to eat right? So while preparing my meal, I'll have to walk past my super huge mirror in my living room to put down my food and then head back to the kitchen to take my drink etc. AND YOU KNOW WHAT. BOOM. My face gets oily while preparing my meal. And I've been out from the shower for only 30 minutes. Y U DO DIS, SKIN. Sigh.

It's worst when I'm outside tho. I'll constantly blot my face with a tissue paper if I have a chance. (nope, not a blotting sheet. Tissue paper. Singapore's too expensive. What do you expect?) Before I eat. Blot. After I ate. Blot. Walking around. Blot. Toilet. Blot. MRT? BLOT LAH. Sad huh?

Okay, I'll have to live with it, no? It's okay. It's only temporary... I hope.

OKAY MOVING ON TO SKINCARE ROUTINE (스킨케어 루틴).
(I'm following the Korean Skincare routine, fyi)
(Aaand the reviews for the products I've used are based on my personal opinions & experience)

MORNING (아침):

I'll wash my face with The Face Shop's Rice Water Bright Cleansing Foam with my Etude House's Wonder Pore Brush.
 
Image Source: http://www.koreabb.com.sg/product_info.php?products_id=272 
http://cosmetic-love.com/etude-house-etudehouse-wonder-pore-brush-1ea-cleansing-brush.html

I like how the facial cleanser cleans my face of all the oil and dirt I've collected on my face while sleeping. With the brush, it cleanses more deeply and thoroughly.

Now for the cleanser, it works well for me because I went to the beach with my family and didn't use any sunscreen so yes, I got darker a little. So I quickly had to use this and within a week, I was back to my brighter looking skin so yes, thumbs up for this product.

Moving on to skincare ~

Now, in the morning, I don't use a lot of products if I'm going out. I'll mostly use only my toner and moisturizer.

For toner, I previously used the Etude House's White Moistfull Toner but every good thing comes to an end, right? (It was good too. Evens out my skin tone and I use it as a softener too. Leaves my skin feeling soft :D ). So I bought a new toner and it's the Etude House AC Clinic Toner. 



Image Source: http://yaleermah.weebly.com/review/etude-house-ac-clinic-toner

And wow, this toner is good. It gives me a refreshed feeling after using it and it absorbs well too. No, I do not apply it using a cotton pad. Instead, I pour a dime sized amount onto my palm, spread it lightly in my palms and then smack em' on my face... lightly. Gentle pats starting from cheeks to forehead to nose and then my chin. This products didn't break me out at all. Instead, it has helped me control the pimples I have on my cheeks and forehead.

After toner, I'll apply moisturizer and the one I'm currently using is Neutrogena's Oil-Free Moisturizer.



Image Source: http://www.westfield.com.au/products/my-chemist/neutrogena-moisturiser-combination-skin-oil-free-118ml/20150

Since I have an oily skin, I have to use an oil-free moisturizer right? This moisturizer is just average for me. It states that it's oil-free but it feels very heavy on my skin. I feel like this moisturizer suffocates my skin. I use a very small amount both in the morning and night. Like 1/3 of a pump? But I'm not sure whether it's the product or my skin that's causing the problem. But whenever I used a bit too much of this product, my skin won't accept/absorb it. How do I put this properly... I'll start sweating excessively when I put too much of this product. Nothing like this has ever happened before with the moisturizers I used before this. I searched online and some said that putting too much product will cause the excessive sweating. But even if I apply very little amount, I'll still sweat excessively.

In conclusion, I don't plan on buying this moisturizer again. Maybe I should find a gel-type moisturizer?

Whenever I go out, I can't forget to use sunscreen right?

I used a no-brand moisturizer made in Korea and it still works well for me. But recently, I received samples of Cetaphil Daylong Oil-Free Suncreen.



Image Source: http://ingridnieto.com/2014/10/10/daily-deep-complete-sun-protection-is-here-with-daylong-sunscreen/

I can say this product here is VERY suitable for oily skin. But the only down-side to this is that it absorbs so fast that I didn't have to time to spread it evenly on my entire face. Since it's a sample size, I try my best to use as little as I need because it's too good. Maybe when I get the real-sized product, I can happily splash my face with this.

MOVING ON ~

NIGHT (밤):

Whether I use makeup (concealer only) or not on that day, I'll always double cleanse. And it's still the same as my previous skincare routine post. Body Shop's Facial Brush and also The Face Shop's Green Tea Cleansing Foam. (GREEN TEA CLEANSER IS A MUST FOR ME) 

For skincare, I'll start with my previously mentioned toner above and then apply essence. To be more specific, Etude House's Aloe Moistfull Essence. 



Image Source: http://cosmetic-love.com/etude-house-etudehouse-aloe-moistfull-soothing-first-essence-100ml.html

Been using this since November and I'm not even half a bottle done. It's hydrates my skin and helps brighten my face. However, it feels a bit sticky and has a mucus consistency (I have nothing else to compare it to). And when I use this product, my face becomes a wee bit hot and red. But it goes away after a while. Overall, this product does a good job in hydrating, yeah? *thumbs up*

After essence, I'll either use masks or just proceed on to my moisturizer. For my facial mask, I use those sold in boxes of 10 from SASA. 2 boxes for S$11.90 or something. I'm not quite sure of the price. But it's alright, I guess? Still does the job well. Hee.

And if I have pimples, I still use the same pimple cream I mentioned in my previous skincare routine post. So, yeah. That concludes my updated skincare routine!

Some say people with oily skin shouldn't use too much products. That's why on some nights, I don't use my essence or masks or even my moisturizer. I just use my toner and just head to bed.

So, this is how my skin is now. 



(Excuse the red face. Was standing under the sun for too long)

Featuring my oily nose.

SOMEONE OR ANYONE WHO'S READING THIS. PLEASE COMMENT BELOW ON SUITABLE MOISTURIZERS FOR OILY SKIN PEOPLE LIKE ME. Something gel-based? THANK YOU. :D

그럼, 잘가요! (~^__^)~

Nobody will run a mile for me. I run a mile... Myself.

There's one thing that I hate about the holidays. I'll always sleep in late. And what does sleeping in late means? It means that thousands of late night thoughts will come rolling in. And then I'll feel upset, disappointed, angry and depressed (?) at/about myself.

Things didn't go well for me. I didn't have a good ending of 2014 nor did I have a good beginning to 2015 due to personal reasons. I cried myself badly to sleep 2 days ago. And it's been long since I cried that bad. Just here to say cherish everyone around you and please take good care of them well.

I realised as I grew older, I tend to breakdown/cry more easily. I'm not sure what or who to blame. It's either due to Kdramas or just me not being strong like how I was back then. I kept telling people to be strong when they're about to break down but I'm not doing the same thing for myself.  And I really hate it when I get jealous of couples around me. I'm really blaming Kdramas for this. After watching "피노키오", I'll always feel bad about myself. I'll always tell myself that I don't deserve happiness nor do I deserve love. No one would run a mile for me. Even if I don't watch Kdramas, I'll still tell myself that. It's hard when you're always treated differently from others. Haha. I want to express my feelings now. About how I feel. But I just can't find the right words to use and say. Why is this so hard. I just want to be alone. Somewhere far away. I've been typing and backspacing the things I want to say for the past 10 minutes. Why is this so hard?

But then, there's one thing that's keeping me happy every night. 방탄소년단! 정말 감사해요. 너 때문에 행복해요. :') their 방탄 bomb videos. Their songs. Just them themselves make me smile to myself every night. They may not know who I am or if I even exist and people may insult or critisize me for liking them, but I'm just thankful how they can make someone (whom they do not know) happy, smile and laugh just through their individual acts. And that's what I want. To make someone happy enough that I can make their day just through my simple acts. But I guess that will never happen. Cause I'm not worth it. 

3JAN2015. 5AM. 자피라 블로그 끝. 

잘자.