Why?
I'm always the forever smiling, forever laughing and forever cracking lame jokes around everyone.
But there are bound to be times when I'm having a rough day due to certain reasons and my mood will make a 180° change.
It can be me being tired of everything. Of the way people treated me. The way things didn't go as planned. How I watch the guy I like being close with someone else. The feeling of weakness. How I didn't improve. Sudden waves of self-hate. A lot of things.
Now, these things happen because of me. Because of who I am. How I acted. The words I've said. The actions I've made. I have no one to blame it on except for myself.
Me being "tired" is, well, because of me. The people around me are not to be blamed.
I didn't do well on a job? My fault. I'm tired during trainings? My fault. Me being jealous at the little things? My fault. Me hating how some things didn't work? My fault. Because the one controlling all these different feelings is me.
The people I'm with do not deserve to see all my negative feelings. Especially my family. I can be so upset on the way home but once I've stepped into the house, I will be greeting my family filled with love and smiles. Because that is what they deserve.
It's not their fault that I was having a bad day. So why show them a sour face and affect them with my negative emotions when they did nothing wrong?
They don't deserve my sadness. They don't deserve seeing me upset. They don't deserve seeing me cry. They don't deserve any of that bad emotions.
I don't want to ruin the joyous/happy atmosphere.
I would like people to remember me as the girl who never gets upset.
The only one who should suffer all these is me.
