There's one thing that I hate about the holidays. I'll always sleep in late. And what does sleeping in late means? It means that thousands of late night thoughts will come rolling in. And then I'll feel upset, disappointed, angry and depressed (?) at/about myself.
Things didn't go well for me. I didn't have a good ending of 2014 nor did I have a good beginning to 2015 due to personal reasons. I cried myself badly to sleep 2 days ago. And it's been long since I cried that bad. Just here to say cherish everyone around you and please take good care of them well.
I realised as I grew older, I tend to breakdown/cry more easily. I'm not sure what or who to blame. It's either due to Kdramas or just me not being strong like how I was back then. I kept telling people to be strong when they're about to break down but I'm not doing the same thing for myself. And I really hate it when I get jealous of couples around me. I'm really blaming Kdramas for this. After watching "피노키오", I'll always feel bad about myself. I'll always tell myself that I don't deserve happiness nor do I deserve love. No one would run a mile for me. Even if I don't watch Kdramas, I'll still tell myself that. It's hard when you're always treated differently from others. Haha. I want to express my feelings now. About how I feel. But I just can't find the right words to use and say. Why is this so hard. I just want to be alone. Somewhere far away. I've been typing and backspacing the things I want to say for the past 10 minutes. Why is this so hard?
But then, there's one thing that's keeping me happy every night. 방탄소년단! 정말 감사해요. 너 때문에 행복해요. :') their 방탄 bomb videos. Their songs. Just them themselves make me smile to myself every night. They may not know who I am or if I even exist and people may insult or critisize me for liking them, but I'm just thankful how they can make someone (whom they do not know) happy, smile and laugh just through their individual acts. And that's what I want. To make someone happy enough that I can make their day just through my simple acts. But I guess that will never happen. Cause I'm not worth it.
3JAN2015. 5AM. 자피라 블로그 끝.
잘자.
