Everyone around me are falling in love. My friends, relatives, family. Everyone. 2016 and 2017 will be filled with many happy events. Engagements and marriages of loved ones. And I can never be happier for them. They've finally found their happy ending.
It's nice to see people falling in love. Tho I don't see the fights and arguments etc, I still feel it's nice to fall in love.
Don't get me wrong, the last time I was in a relationship was years ago. I've somehow forgotten how it feels like to be loved and taken care of by that special someone.
Somehow I think the problem lies with me.
Like what my papa says, "If one person hates you, that person has a problem. But if dozens hate you, you might be the problem."
For the past few "dates" I've been on (not sure if it was a date but yeah I was contacting someone), I can say I was the one who got left behind by the other party.. Some people can be sweethearts in a day and be a total jerk the next. Somehow, someone better caught their attention. It's always the same reason to why they left. Am I not good enough? What am I lacking of? Is it the way I talk? The way I walk? They way I present myself?
For someone who has a VERY low self-esteem, I felt hurt. Is it my face that's the problem? My personality?
The never-ending cycle made me scared of talking to people. I push them away. I told them I treat them as friends. I built my walls so high, waiting for someone to come by with the mighty hammer and break these walls down. I'm starting to be afraid of falling for someone. And when I do start to have a crush, I give up easily.
I tell myself, "They're going to leave like how the rest did. Don't be too attached. Someone better deserves them. You're out of their league."
These are the words I tell myself whenever I start to develop feelings. These are the words I say, to prepare myself if they were to ever leave. These are the words I say to put myself down.
And boy do these words work well.
But to be honest, it would be nice to have someone care for you. Secretly or openly, I don't know. Ask you how your day was. What you're going to do over the weekends.
"Text me when you reach home."
"Today was a bad day, can you cheer me up?"
"Want to go ____ with me during the school holidays?"
"I heard you were sick. Are you okay?"
"You never gna believe what happened today."
"Wish you were here!"
It would be nice. Someone who motivates you when you're down. Because really, I'm just here for myself. And it can be quite tiring. Cause I can't hold on any longer.
I'm beginning to fall for someone. But I can sense that it's going to be a bad move.
It would be nice. To be in love.
