Thoughts for today.

LONELINESS.

It's been long since I last blogged. So many thoughts going through my mind right now. People may look at me as someone who's carefree. Someone who's positive and someone who doesn't have any problems in her life. Someone who's happy cause she has everything she could ever ask for. Well, that's how I look on the outside and how I talk to people. I talk to people in a cheerful and happy way. I never talk to people so negatively. People seldom see me being sad or depressed. When I get mad, I've never blew my top. That's why they interpreted wrongly. They must have also forgotten that I'm a human being too. I may be happy but at the same time, I have other feelings too. But all happy people are bound to have their breaking points.

I have a family. I have my loved ones. I have a home, clothes, food. Some things that others don't. I'm truly am thankful for what Allah swt have given me. However, there's one thing missing. I look at couples around me. And I have a tad bit of jealousy for them. But then, I told myself, "I'm only 17." I learnt from my lesson and I promised my parents that I'm not gonna have another relationship till I'm 21. (laugh out loud, I'm not even sure if I'll have a relationship ever.) But then again, I look at how couples care for each other. How they're the source of happiness yet at the same time they're also the source of pain. But what I'm interested in is not a BGR. How should I put this...? I don't want to sound desperate nor too depressed cause... JUDGMENTAL SOCIETY. Duh. But what I'm trying to say is, all I need is someone to care for me. Call me pampered or whatsoever you want but try being in my shoes. Where you see bestfriends around you being silly and all. Caring for each other and being there for each other when needed. 

All I need, is someone who'll text me and ask," You alright?" when I tweet or say that I'm unwell or feeling down. It doesn't have to be a boyfriend or bestfriend. It just has to be a friend. Someone who'll text me a long paragraph, saying how lucky they are to have me in their life and how I changed them into someone better. Someone who'll protect me. Someone... who's actually grateful and thankful to have me in their life. Someone who'll randomly text me,"Hey, wanna go shopping/out?" or "Sup man, I've missed you.". I need a friend who'll be my listening ear. A friend who won't be lazy to entertain me on my depressed nights ( I do have them some nights ). 

I know, I'm the least fun one. But then, I'm trying my very best to be the fun friend. Sometimes, I blame myself when I this happened. I kept telling myself, "Oh, this happened cause you didn't do this, you didn't do that. You should have done better." I blame myself cause I do not have a common interest with people. I'm lame. I'm annoying. I'm too clingy. I'm boring. I'm no fun. I say stupid things. No wonder people don't really fancy hanging out with me.

I'm being all egoistic when I see something that hurts me. I'll say that it didn't affect me at all when it sometimes does. I may appear strong but still, dalam hati ada taman. That means that I still have a soft heart.

Aigo. 진짜 몰라. That means, I really don't know. I really don't know what to do anymore. I guess I have to leave with this life till Allah swt takes my life away. However, I'm still happy and thankful for what I have now.

p/s: Bought a "Learn Korean" book. At least that's one thing that I'm happy about.

Typing this in the dark. It's really hurting my eyes. Plus, I can't see the keyboard so well.